Image (not quote) courtesy of bulldogza / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
It is so hard of letting go. As we continue to live and interact daily, we accumulate a past. This past defines who we were at a certain point in life; so how do we release our future from the grips of our past?
Letting go of the past isn’t always about bad relationships or bad habits, letting go of the past can encompass: past jobs, past “titles” or just anything in your past that is holding you back from walking proudly in your current moment in life and into your future.
When we get married, our history follows us but it doesn’t have to confine us. As we continue to live, we are making history. Again this history, doesn’t need to be carried into our present day. Everything has a reason and a season in our life. As Michelle, of Divas with a purpose, shared in her story about Letting Go: “we hold on to our past because we are comfortable with it. Being comfortable can keep us from moving forward.”
As I try to grow in my marriage, I must grow within myself. So I have taken a good hard look at who I am and what I am bringing into my marriage. I found myself “missing the parenting” era of my life. The kids grew up and grew out. They have all left the nest. So I was left with nothing to do and nobody to take care of. I wanted them back in the house. I even asked my husband for us to have another baby. Did I mention the kids were all grown over the age of 18? Yes, I longed for what I had in the past and everything I thought about and did was trying to recreate the years of me being a caregiver (parenting.) I had to learn that that era was over. I had to enter the new era of being a parent of grown kids.
Experiences of the past will cause us anxiety and lost feelings if we do not adequately close that chapter of our life/history. Closing that chapter in life is not saying you didn’t appreciate it or that it wasn’t a good chapter, it just means you understand & appreciate what that chapter in your life has done for you [and your marriage].
Think about this, (something I had to learn), as long as I held on to what “was” I wasn’t able to focus on what “is.” As I kept missing the kids and wishing for kids I wasn’t allowing my marriage to go into the next phase. Plus holding on to the past, can cause undue stress on your marriage. Many marriages fail because of distance put into the marriage when one spouse stops growing. This growth stops when a person can’t let go of the past.
I had to remember to guard what I allowed to take root in my heart because if all my thoughts were about the kids, how could I have room in my heart for my husband/marriage? This is true about anything.
Are you missing the job you once had? Are you missing a material possession that you once had? Are you missing a past love that you once had? Is there something in your past that you are holding on to that is causing you not to be 100% in your marriage?
When we hold on to things of our past, we have decided not to live in the present. Our energy and thoughts are consumed with what has already happened and cannot be changed. Why would you spend your days trying to get back what has already spent its season and reason in your life? Tell God thank you for the history and learn from it but move on with your present.
Yes, yes I know it’s not easy! Honey, I know it’s not easy first hand. Remember I told you how I struggled with letting go of the “parenting era” of my life so I know it’s hard to move on but we must!
Letting go is a process. It will not happen overnight but it can happen.
5 Ways to let go of the past
1. Letting go starts with you!
Understand that you are not forgetting your history; you are just letting it go so that you can move on & enjoy life where you are now. If you don’t let it go, YOU are keeping yourself caged in a time warp. God has more in store for you so let go of the past!
2. Prepare your mind
Find something to replace the time you spent on whatever from your past you were holding on to. As in my case, I missed the kids being at home, so I volunteer at different nonprofit organizations. See, I needed that “helping” feeling to be fulfilled. I get this fulfillment now by helping others. So as you are letting go, start filling your void with something else. I also read a few books that helped me prepare my mind and change my thinking.
3. Change your thinking
Your thoughts frame your actions, emotions, and words. Stop thinking you are missing that void. Stop thinking you need “it”. Stop thinking you are not whole because “it” is not in your life any longer. Stop thinking your self-worth is based on “it”. Instead, say I lived that part of my life & it was ___________. I am thankful for the lessons it taught me or even the lifestyle it afforded me. With the new found thinking you will be able to focus more on #2. Please take a moment and read “Redefining My Identity” written by Kim over at I’m not your nanny blog. Really good post about letting go.
4. Involve your spouse
Allow your spouse in on how you are feeling. Share with them how you are feeling about the past (be specific about what in your past). Your spouse is your support system and loves you! They will help you thru this troubled time. Let them in! Break down the walls you have up and allow your spouse in on why your actions are the way they are. You will be surprised at what you guys can accomplish together to help you let go of the past.
5. Write yourself a letter
In this letter, write what you would tell your best friend about letting go of the past. Be honest with your friend and tell them why it’s important for them to let go of that specific past “era.” Once you finish writing this letter, mail it to yourself. This letter will help you, just like you would help a friend, get over a stumbling block in their life.
Take it from me, letting go of the past will give you:
- A clearer mind to really love YOU
- A happier stronger relationship with your spouse
- Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
- Less stress and anxiety
- Freedom to find your new passion/direction/purpose
Holding on to the past controls you: your emotions and your actions, but releasing your past gives you the freedom to move on, to live your life fully and on purpose! Don’t cheat your spouse from having a spouse that is fully engaged and committed to the marriage. Release the stronghold the past has on you and experience your marriage as you should: COMPLETELY!
If you are struggling with letting go of the past, read these books: The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For? and Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior (Perigee).
I really enjoyed the Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I here for because you only read a chapter a day & he also gave you an audio to listen to and things to ponder. Really good book. I haven’t started Get Out Of your own way but its on the reading list for this year.
What in your past do you need to release?
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Becky Lyons Borgia says
Having gone through a few phases in my marriage already, I can understand this! I love the quotes you included!
Tori says
Wow. What a great post! You’ve put into really positive terms some of the efforts I’ve been making in my own head/heart/world! ^_^ You’ve done a really wonderful job, overall. Thank you for the time you invested!
You might prefer to change the first use of the preposition “of” in the first sentence to the preposition “to”. Perhaps not…. Just thought it might work better. 🙂
Still Dating My Spouse says
LOL Thanks Tori…I like “of” but thanks for your keen eye!
Jenn says
I think we tend to hold on to the past because it is a comfort thing. It is something that is familiar and we know what happened. The future is scary, unpredictable and unknown, thus we tend to avoid it!
Ask Dr. Renee says
I can not wait to be married. I want to date my spouse throughout our marriage. I love your blog. Thanks for sharing important tips about letting go!! It can be so hard but it is so NECESSARY!!
Kisa says
I’m working hard myself to go through the process of letting go of my past. It’s hard, but everyone should really do their best to work through their past demons.
Cyndi says
“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”
Laozi
Heather says
I love this. Letting go and moving on to the next chapter of life is important. You don’t always want to be living in the past. You’ll never truly be able to embrace your future that way. Great post.
Dina Farmer says
Thanks for all those fantastic tips. And for sure something to take into account. Sadly we only have internet dates with my husband since he is away in Korea, but I will try to put some of this into effect when he returns home.
Still Dating My Spouse says
Thank you Heather!
Still Dating My Spouse says
Yes Kisa. It is hard but to appreciate our future we must let go! Stay prayerful.
Still Dating My Spouse says
Thank you Dr. Renee! Make sure you send me an invite to the wedding!
LaDonna says
Letting go is so difficult. My baby boy left home two-years ago and like you I found myself longing for another child. Someone to take care of. The funny thing is, after the first year of him being gone, I realized I could now take better care of myself. While I still sometimes wish I had a little one at home, there are other times when I’m thankful I DON’T! Great post.
Tara V @ Tara, Dan & Clan says
Pamela, I am loving your blog! This is such a great post that is so true. You have to let go of the past to ever move forward.
GossipMoms says
wow this a great post, thank you for sharing this info,
Rita Von says
Ain’t that the truth! Letting go is one of the hardest things. I still haven’t perfected it, because you’re right, it’s easier to hang onto things. Most people would rather be comfortable than happy, and to be happy you’ve got to let go.
Nicki says
This is so perfect for me right now! thank you!
Jennifer Brown says
Very nice post. I enjoyed reading it and I totally agree.
I have been spending time reading about the laws of attractions and this fits right in.
Joanna Sormunen says
Letting go is really hard. I work on it costantly. We tend to hold on experiences, things and even people who really are no good for us. And we need to learn to let go.
jenny at dapperhouse says
Thank you for those 2 book recommendations. I read before bed each night so why not change my life for the better while I read! Your articles are always brilliant and touching. I will read this article again and get something different from it each time! Tonight I am pondering ” Stop thinking your self-worth is based on “it”. Instead, say I lived that part of my life” . . . . thanks Pamela!!
Rachel Ralston says
Thank you for the reminder. There ate definitely some things I need to let go of.
Wood Arts Universe says
wonderful blog!!! I agree with you letting go past and moving on in life is very important.. I feel it’s a bit difficult task .. easy to say but hard to implement it
Veronica Spriggs says
It has taken me a long while to learn to let go of the past but i have finally done so and am now living with peace and contentment. best of luck to you. let go and let God.
G.s. Marjara says
A wonderful article indeed. Most os us have already experienced our share of bumps in married life stil it is good to read about others.
Lexie Lane says
Letting go can truly be difficult. I have recently been thinking about my age and how fast time is just slipping away. I can stay mad at the people I love or cherish the moments I have with them. That’s what I always think when I need to let go.
Fabulous Perks says
I have learned so much from reaching your blog posts. I really appreciate post like this. I’m young and I tend to hold on to the past. I am happy where I am. I don’t think i’ve learned to fully let go. That is why these tips really help. Thank you!
Still Dating My Spouse says
I am glad you are getting something from the posts. Thanks for visiting
Still Dating My Spouse says
Jenny,
My purpose this year is to be a bridge/connector/a resource! So I am glad you got something from this post including a few books to read.
Still Dating My Spouse says
LaDonna,
I realized just like you that I enjoyed not having to run behind a child LOL so I started focusing more on bettering me!
Sara-Jayne says
Letting go of anything in the past is so hard! I wish I was able to move on from some events easily, I’m going to think over your points, thank you!
Mary ~ Capturing Magical Memories® says
I like the idea of writing yourself a letter. Just getting it out always seems to help me.
Jayne Townsley says
Although I am not wanting to make a stock answer like, “Good advice, I’ll have to think about this,” it is a genuine heartfelt response in this case.
As a first response, I would say that I have to stop letting past failures define me. I think it goes deeper than that, though.
It will take some thought, for sure.
valmg @ Mom Knows It All says
Good point on #1. Letting Go definitely starts with you, and you have to want to let go.
Dhemz Apdian Dias says
wow, this is something that we all need! Great post by the way. I love your tips.
Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell says
It’s so hard to let go, sooooo hard. However, it is ultimately very freeing when you do.
Pauline C. says
I will sure come to your site when I experience this again 🙂 Thanks for the great and positive tips!
Mommy Pehpot says
letting go is really hard but when you do, you will realized how much your life is on hold because you didn’t let go 🙂
Thank you for the list 🙂
Sharelle D. Lowery says
I really enjoyed this as I am totally one of those people that sometimes has a hard time letting stuff go. I especially need to work on things to replace my current space! Excellent piece!
Andrea Mercado says
Thanks so much for this. I think everyone at some point has a part of their past that they need to let go of in order for them to move on and flourish. What you chose to do or what you have experienced in the past has brought you to where you are today. I believe there is a reason for everything you experience, but it doesn’t mean that you need to hold on to every experience you have ever had. Your tips are a great starting point for someone to take charge of your life!