When I was doing research for a column about divorce law, I talked with a lot of divorce lawyers, and each one said that so many divorces could be avoided if the people would talk,” says blogger Penelope Trunk, echoing the sentiment of many when it comes to marriage. “Communication, communication, communication,” people advise one another. “That’s what it all comes to in marriage.” The only problem, however, especially for couples that are nearing or have already reached the point of crisis, is that communication doesn’t always come easy. How do you talk to each other when you don’t know how? Are there secrets to better communication in marriage?
The answer is yes and because communication is usually a learned skill, it’s something you and your spouse can continually grow in together. With that in mind, here’s a look at three specific communication tips for marriages, wherever you and your spouse are in your communication journey.
3 Secrets to better communication in marriage
1. Be a Responsive Listener. Half of communication is listening, so even if you feel pretty qualified to get your thoughts and points across, you’re not communicating if you can’t listen, too. Listening is more than hearing words being spoken. It’s acknowledging those words. So when your spouse tells you how frustrated he is that you come home late every night, don’t just stare at him in response. You might repeat back what he’s said, such as, “So you are saying it’s frustrating when I don’t come home when I said I would?” Likewise, if your wife tells you she misses spending time together, don’t respond defensively with a list of excuses, instead you might say, “You miss the way things used to be, and I do, too.” By acknowledging what the other person said, you let him or her know he or she is being heard.
2. Ask for What You Want in Clear, Concrete Terms. Saying you want affection is good, but explaining what that means in tangible, measurable terms(time together on trips, notes for no reason, compliments, small gifts) is better. It helps your spouse understand and it minimizes assumptions and unfulfilled, unspoken expectations. Note, however, that asking is not the same thing as demanding. While you need to be clear with your spouse about your desires, you cannot demand that he or she do what you want.
3. Look for Win-Win Compromises. A lot of couples have the wrong idea about compromise, which essentially becomes a lose-lose for everyone: “You don’t get what you really want, but I don’t really get what I wannt either.” Instead, work together to find win-win solutions. When you disagree, ask yourselves how you could both have what you need. Say your spouse wants a weekly date night because she misses time together, but you always work weekends, which is when typical date nights occur. What’s really happening is that she wants time together on a regular basis, and you want to keep your current work schedule. So why not plan date nights on a weeknight instead? She still gets concentrated time together, and you still get to keep up your work responsibilities. When you’re able to find these win-win compromises, you’ll both be happy.
Learning and growing in communication is a lifelong journey in marriage and beyond. While the three tips in this post provide a good place to start, they are just the beginning of a better relationship with your partner. Commit together to keep working at the way you communicate, and you may be surprised what treasures wait for you along the way.
Thanks to: Clinical Counselors John and Wendy run a crisis marriage counseling practice, Marriage Rescue Associates, that specializes in solution-oriented therapy, for this informative post. They offer various ways to improve couples communication, which attributes to their 90% success rate.
What tips do you have to improve the communication in marriage?
Robin (Masshole Mommy) says
I have no filter, so if I am thinking it – it’s coming out of my mouth. There is never any secret about the way I feel.
maria @ closetohome says
I could not agree more with the don’t beat around the bush and ask for what you need. even after 15 years that can be diffcult
becca says
These are all really good ways to communicate. Communication is essential to a strong and happy marriage.
Brittany says
I’ve only been married for 3 years and I can’t say I really know what I’m doing (lol) but communication is everything. I find that I am a much better wife when I actually know what my husband is thinking. I also struggle in the listening department so I definitely need to work more on that.
Lois Alter Mark says
These are all great tips. We’ve been married almost 34 years now and I can tell you that communication is definitely the key!
AJ @ NutriFitMama says
Good communication is SO important! In marriage and in life! Sometimes that’s easy to forget!
Liz Mays says
Being clear about what you want is something that can be really difficult somehow. It’s important to learn to be clear early on though.
Lorane says
Communication seems to be the Biggest issue in most relationships, Most people don’t talk and expect the other to read their minds to figure out what they are saying
Mama to 5 BLessings says
Great advise. Listening is definitely a biggie. Communication is key.
Ashley @irishred02 says
I have learned to clearly state what I want. The active listening is definitely key!
Dawn says
These are secrets I will be sure to tell others. Communication in a marriage is very important.
Stacey- Travel Blogger says
I agree that you need to ask for what you want clearly. Beating around the bush will get you nowhere.
Felissa @ Two Little Cavaliers says
When it comes to listening, you need to do more than just sit there and listen. I agree with your first secret, you need to be responsive when listening.
Heather says
Being a responsive listener is a GREAT piece of advice.
Kiwi says
I am not married but I know for any relationship communication is super key for success!! I love the compromise for it to be a win-win situation for all!
Anita Breeze says
Those are real and practical tips! Thanks for the great communication advice.
Jess Weaver says
Communication is an important part of marriage! Great tips!
Melissa Vera says
I would add always make time to spend with the other person.
Debbie Denny says
Fantastic post. Communication is so important.
Jennifer B says
I could not agree more. Communication is key to a good marriage.
Krystal says
Listening is SO important. We also need to take time away together so that we can reconnect after a busy week.
lisa says
Communication is very important in a marriage. My husband and I talk about everything. I don’t think there is a topic I wouldn’t talk to him about.
Kerri says
I know I need to be a better listener. So important to check in on your marriage.
Kristin says
Be a responsive listener…Such an important concept!
Danielle says
These tips are wonderful. We could really work on number 2, and ask more clearly for what we need.
Janeane Davis says
I agree with many of the divorce lawyers you spoke to about communication. In my practice, lack of comunication and poor communication skills lead to many marital problems.
Still Dating My Spouse says
It gets easier…well it gets to a point that you know your spouse a little more each day!!!