Don’t lose yourself in your marriage

I'm Pamela, LOVE SELF, how to love self, love yourself in your marriage

When we get married we take on a new title: husband or wife. Oh when we have kids we add a title to us: mom or dad. In life we will take on several titles. Some will be short term but some will be with us until the day we die. So it is easy to lose who we really are within all the titles we carry. So who really are you?

Now we all know that marriage is about becoming one but that one is comprised of two people with two personalities. Don’t lose your personality or voice or passion. If you do that, you are depriving your spouse & your kids all of you.

As many of you know, we are empty nesters; however, the title I have carried for the last 24 years was “MOM” and the last 15 years “Wife.”

I am so struggling with transitioning from the Mom of dependent kids to a mom of independent kids. You know as women, wives, and mothers we are dedicated to our titles/roles. We put so much of ourselves into our families that sometimes we forget to take care of self & do for self ONLY.

I am constantly finding myself butting in asking about what my kids need from me & doing stuff that they can do for themselves. When I can’t do stuff for them or my hubby, I feel lost. Just recently someone asked me when was the last time I went on vacation with SELF……Oh you know I gave her a serious side eye. So let me ask you “When was the last time you went on vacation with SELF?”

When we take on the roles: husband, wife, mom, or dad, we make an unconscious decision to put “our” life on hold to be fully committed to the current role we are in. We do this only because we love our spouse and kids. We want to make sure that their needs and desires are met; however, when we put ourselves on the back burner, our “personal” needs and desires are neglected by us.

This is something I know take time to get ok with and not feel like you are neglecting your family. Hey, I’m there with you but I also know not taking care of me & nurturing me is only hurting my family.

So I’ve taken up different ways to keep me in my marriage, in my family & in my life. And I invite you to do the same……

LOVE SELF, how to love self, love yourself in your marriage

5 Ways not to lose self in your marriage

1. Keep your hobbies

Don’t let go of what you enjoy doing. If you have a hobby makes time to participate in your hobby. It is quite alright to have a hobby that your spouse doesn’t like to share with you. Use that time as ME time and reconnect with self.

2. Communicate

Make sure you are sharing with your spouse how you are feeling and what you would like to do. Share your goals and aspirations with them.

3. Be YOU

In marriage, some wives (and sometimes husbands) adapt their likes and dislikes to coincide with what their spouse like and dislike. Make sure you stay true to who you are! It is okay to compromise but don’t say you like Peanut Butter just because your spouse likes peanut butter.

4. Spend time with your friends

Don’t neglect the time spent with friends. We need the interaction from our girl friends (wives) or guy friends (husbands). Have a standard girls or guys night out with your friends.

5. Meditate

Spend time alone with your thoughts. Have that quiet time that you are not “on duty” just to relax, relate, and release! This should happen daily but if you can’t find time daily, schedule this mediation time weekly! It is a must….

It is so important that we nurture our physical, spiritual and emotional needs. Think of your needs as watering a flower: if you don’t water your flower it would evidently wither and die. Flowers need attention and nutrition. So do YOU!

Remember your spouse married you because of your personality, voice, and passion so don’t quiet them instead nurture them & adapt them to your role as a husband, wife, mom or dad!

How do you keep YOU in your marriage? 

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Comments (63)

  1. Reply Terry

    It is so easy to do … Lose yourself in your marriage. I know I sure don’t get out enough and right now I am playing nurse maid while my Hubs heals from knee surgery.

    1. Reply Still Dating My Spouse

      I hope your hubby recovers quickly

  2. Reply Kungphoo

    We actually took a vacation alone for 5 days this past summer.. it was 13 years in the making…

  3. Reply Leona Martin

    Hmm interesting article…on losing yourself in your title. I like your tips, but I don’t feel that I have. I know when I’m a mom and I know when I’m a wife…etc. My husband and I don’t ‘suffocate’ one another and w/ don’t allow our kids to do it to us either. He has his hobbies and I have mine while we may not like either one – we deal. Good article.

  4. Reply Becky Lyons Borgia

    I love your key points, as always. I tweeted all of them. I try really hard to find time for myself.

    1. Reply Still Dating My Spouse

      Thank you Becky

  5. Reply Carla

    I was just talking about this with a co-worker! I found it so hard when I came back from maternity leave. I felt exposed and my whole identity was wrapped up in my family and my job as a mother and wife. It took me a long time to re-find myself and give myself a voice

    1. Reply Still Dating My Spouse

      Carla, I been there! We love our family so much that it is hard to leave them.

  6. Reply Claudia Krusch

    We haven’t dated since November, you reminded me how important it is!

  7. Reply ChristyRenee' Garth-Williams

    Great Post! I can totally relate to this & absolutely agree!!

  8. Reply Heather

    Definitely good advice here. Often find it really hard to make time for myself without asking for someone to watch my kids for me. It really drives me nuts and I hate relying on other people. I need to work on that though. I feel incredibly guilty if I need help. For example I had to schedule a doctor’s appointment and had to ask my mother in law to watch my sons for me. It feels horrible to have to ask.

  9. Reply Mistee Dawn

    I definitely try to implement all 5 of these in my life, and encourage my husband to do so as well. Thanks for sharing.

  10. Reply Heather M

    Great tips. It can be so hard not to lose who you are in the midst of wife and mom and everything else life throws at you.

  11. Reply Regina

    It is so encouraging to see someone promoting staying married, and still loving each other, and loving being around one another! In today’s world couples seem to not know the value of their marriage and are too quick to give it up, but if we saw more encouragement like you provide then I believe the divorce rate would go down! I can say my husband and I have been married 22 years,and I love him as much today as I did the day we got married. Even more exciting, I still like him! We have truly reached a point where we enjoy one another more than ever! All praises to God but there were some questionable times, and we have survived things that normally tear couples apart, such as losing two children. To God all the glory for my wonderful marriage! Thank you for promoting HEALTHY marital relationships!

    1. Reply Still Dating My Spouse

      Thank you Regina!

  12. Reply Angela

    This is such great advice. I think spending time with friends and having your own interests makes us better partners.

  13. Reply Kasandria

    So, SO true. I think a lot of ppl find this happens. Ever since I’ve been blogging I’ve found myself again and we are both happier.

  14. Reply Robin (Masshole Mommy)

    This is such a great reminder!! I always remember to take time out for myself – it makes me a better wife and mom.

  15. Reply Kisa

    I need to follow the first one very much so! I’ve stopped doing hobbies and haven’t for almost a year now. I’m not doing well due to that fact either. I should also meditate more, I have some meditation mp3’s that I used to use to help me relax. I really should lay down and listen to them again.

    1. Reply Still Dating My Spouse

      Start off slow. Put on your mediation tapes & listen to them while you are doing something else…eventually those tapes will get you to stop and take quiet time for self.

  16. Reply Lisa

    Great tips! Especially #3

  17. Reply Cynthia L

    What a great post. I think it is important to keep true to yourself during your marriage and motherhood.

  18. Reply Amy Desrosiers

    Sometimes I feel bad going out to eat, or out without my husband. He wants me to do things, but I just feel bad, and guilty.

    1. Reply Still Dating My Spouse

      I definitely understand. i was there…I would hang out with my girls but I’m on the phone or texting my hubby. We have to learn to love us enough that they want was best for us & ME time is good thing!

  19. Reply Pam

    I agree with you! It is important to do the things that your spouse liked about you before you got married to make sure you maintain your identity.

  20. Reply brett

    the friend thing is SO important. SOOOOO important. i can’t say it enough. SO IMPORTANT!! lol

  21. Reply Ashley M

    It’s so easy to “become” each other. To become we instead of me.

  22. Reply Melanie Roberts

    Great post and such a GREAT reminder.. we aren’t just mom’s … Loved reading it..thanks for sharing

    1. Reply Still Dating My Spouse

      Melanie, nope we are not just MOMS and we need to understand that to make others understand that as well.

  23. Reply Jennifer Brown

    Meditate, I believe is the key. Time of thought and reflection is so important and is the easiest thing not to so. Note to self.

  24. Reply katherine

    These are such great tips. I need to learn to have a girls night

  25. Reply Joanna Sormunen

    That is SO true. We need to make sure we’re not lost in marriage and mommyhood. I did do it but luckily I started to find myself again, even if it took me few years to be myself and enjoy it.

  26. Reply Jenn

    I was very lucky that Iearned many of those messages when I was dating. Once I threw myself too much into a relationship that when it was over I didn’t know who I was. Now I make time for me as well as the rest of the family!

  27. Reply Danielle @ We Have It All

    I love these tips. I’ve been a mom for over 16 years… and a wife for a total of 18. It’s crazy how you can get lost in the mom-wife life.

    1. Reply Still Dating My Spouse

      Danielle, I know right. You look up one day and your whole life consists of answering mommy questions and wife questions LOL

  28. Reply Wendy @ ABCs and Garden Peas

    Wow, this is a reminder that I need. We’ve had a few tough years…but I’m really hoping that a little work will help us get back on track.

  29. Reply Mama to 5 BLessings

    sometimes its hard not to lose your identity as a wife and a mom – I struggle with this!

    1. Reply Still Dating My Spouse

      I do to…well I still do & my kids are grown.

  30. Reply Debbie Denny

    It makes me sad seeing people losing sight of themselves when in a relationship.

  31. Reply Danyelle Lorenzo

    This is so important to remember every day. I’ve kept my hobbies but have to remember to stop being mom and be a wife now and then.

  32. Reply GossipMoms

    Thanks a whole lot for the tips, they are very helpful, sometimes i do just loose myself at times

  33. Reply Bibiana Bailey

    That is what I love about being married to my hubby. We became couple, but at the same time we both stayed individuals.I never lost myself in being wife & mother.

  34. Reply Natalie

    Hey, I’m in your SITS Blogging Tribe. I’ve had a late start to this, but I wanted to drop by & say hello.. :) I think I’m more in that, “just going with it” stage.. still trying to get over our “almost” divorce last year, then the back together.. eh, its a hot mess.. haha Nice to meet you! lol

  35. Reply Lisa Trudell

    I have been able to spend more time with and for myself lately. This mostly was because my schedule change at work which caused us to work opposite hours during the week. On the weekend we come back together and it’s like a full weekend date.

  36. Reply Maria

    Great advice! I focus on my marriage first and then it provides a good stonework for my children and our relationship.

  37. Reply Kathy

    Wow, I live by all five of those!! Great points.

  38. Reply Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell

    I kinda put myself on the back burner for my entire marriage. It wasn’t until after it that I found myself. I’m glad I got there, but I wish I’d started out that way.

  39. Reply Janeane Davis

    Our spouses married us because we were people with personalities and interests. It is important to remain a whole person even after marriage.

  40. Reply Danielle

    Thank you for this advice! I feel we are lucky, both my husband and myself have kept up with our own lives, maybe almost to the extreme. We could certainly use time though to get out of the house without kids once in awhile, and communicate 😉

  41. Reply Caroll

    I remember when I was married I totally lost myself in my marriage. Everything I did was about us and what we were doing or not doing or should be doing. It happened so quickly and then next thing you know friends were saying I never see you. Well, today I am single but hope to remarry and lets just say older and wiser 😀

  42. Reply Lexie Lane

    Being in love is so wonderful but it’s definitely not healthy to forget about other people in your life. What a great post and really thought provoking because I know I lose myself at home a lot with my son and my husband. I tend to say “no” a lot just because I get tired so easily or just want to relax. Communication is also really important. Sometimes even when you’re completely comfortable with your spouse, you can still find trouble talking about the things that bother you. All great points here!

  43. Reply Eliz Frank

    Ironically, when I was hitting the road for work, I was gone quite a bit from my kids. The role reversed years later and I experienced what you described. I still do things for them and laugh when my friends and I admit we need to ease up and move forward. :-)

  44. Reply Denise

    My mom always told me to make my marriage a priority once I had kids. That the kids would grow and leave but the marriage would carry on. I also think you are right that we need to keep ourselves intact as well. If we lose ourselves, we lose everything.

  45. Reply Mandi

    This is something I’m working on. I’ve only been married a year but after being married for six years and then divorced and three children later, I admit I have gotten lost in the shuffle. Thanks for the reminder and the encouragement!

  46. Reply Shanna

    I struggle with a lot of the same things as you. Thanks for the tips. They’ll be helpful!

  47. Reply Brandi

    This is so true! Even for newlyweds, I’m finding that I need to make time to make time for ME.

  48. Reply Caroline Iheartrunning

    Great post! I would like to figure out my love happy I found your blog.

  49. Reply Jessica Harlow

    This is such a great post! I know I struggle with keeping my identity outside of “Mom” and “Wife”. Mot of my days are spent being that person…even though there is so much more to who I am. I just turned 40 and my kids are starting to get old enough to do more for themselves and that leaves me with a little more time to do what I want. :) We’ll see if I find that girl I used to be. :)

  50. Reply Ave

    Sometimes it’s really heard to be me, I have to be a mom and wife too. I really like the meditating and keeping your hobbies idea.

  51. Reply arelis cintron

    I’m not married yet. However this is the first thing women say to me. Don’t give up on the things you want to do and never lose touch with friends. I try to start enforcing those things now before we walk down the aisle. Girls night/Guys night and to spend time doing the things that drive us. Our time together IS important but so is our time apart.

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