This post is part of Loving in the Grown Zone Blog Tour which I am delighted to be a part of along with many other inspiring bloggers across the globe. To learn more and to join us as we change the conversation about healthy love, CLICK HERE!
You know sometimes I sit and think about where we started and where we are now. All, I can say is the Lord has definitely been a strong active member in this marriage.
We have faced so many ups and downs, that when I think about it I always wonder “how did we STAY TOGETHER?” The odds were so against us from the start. I mean: two people from totally different backgrounds and upbringing; blending a family; twenty + year olds that are headstrong. I mean who would have thought we would even make it a year? I know in reality, I didn’t think we would stay together, either. Hey, I was a girl with two babies out of wedlock and my husband was a divorced man with kids. There was no way we could make it, right? That’s what everyone said.
Marriage brings with it its on set of challenges but when you add what we brought to it: kids, strong personalities, and total independence, our marriage was complicated from the start. So of course, the first thing you think to do when challenges arise is to run and hide. But we decided not to allow that thinking to enter our marriage. We decided early on that DIVORCE wasn’t an option.
There is a verse in a song by Jaheim and Ledisi, “Stay Together” that just resonates in my body when I hear it:
I know (I know) whatever comes our way
You know, (You know) you and me, we gonna stay… together, (together)
Baby we’ve been through so much (so much)
Our love is so strong, you know, (you know I know)
ohhh you and me, (we gonna stay) We gonna stay, (together) together, oh yeah
This verse speaks loudly about the commitment we made to each other, our kids, and to God.
It was important to us that we work as a team in all things that affects our family as a whole. This bond wasn’t an easy one to develop. Remember I told you we both were independent head strong people so we bumped head an awful lot in the beginning.
[Tweet “Work as a team in all things that affects your family. Communication is key!”]
We had to put some boundaries in place to help us Stay Together:
1. Keep God first in our lives and marriage: We understand and appreciate how important a relationship with God is and that we must keep him first in our marriage to keep it strong and together.
2. Be of service to each other: Once we put each other needs above our own, we were able to eliminate the feeling of needs not being met.
3. Communicate about EVERYTHING: This was an easy one for us. Our relationship started off with deep conversations. So we vowed to keep this going even after marriage. If you are able to talk about anything when problems arise you will address it QUICKLY.
4. Date often: This is so important and it keeps boredom at bay.
5. Keep outsiders OUT: Our mothers…oh what can I say about our mothers. They are loving women but definitely have the “take charge” attitudes even with their grown children. We had to nib the interference from outsiders in the bud quickly in our marriage. We recognized the problem it was having in our marriage. It is more important to us to make each other happy than our mothers or anyone on the outside of the marriage.
Staying together in the face of challenges isn’t an easy decision to make but it was the best decision for us. 16 years later, we are the last couple of 4 sets of couples that got married in 1998 who are still married. Yes, we decided to stay together for us but most importantly to give our kids an example of a loving lasting marriage. We didn’t have that example but we was damned if we marred our kids view of marriage and healthy relationships plus we have many more years of growing and loving to go together.
It’s your choice! We choose to STAY TOGETHER!
Zara D. Green and Alfred Edmond Jr. are co-principals of A2Z Personal Growth Enterprises, producer of The Grown Zone discussion series and related media properties. The couple leads sessions on personal growth, self-love and resiliency, healthy relationships and “Grown” decision-making via online and live events across the country. They know this book is changing the conversation about healthy love. You can grab your copy HERE.
Lisa C. says
I absolutely love this post. I can certainly relate.
Robin (Masshole Mommy) says
My current husband is not my first, but I am sticking with him. He’s a keeper.
becca says
Husband and i have been though alot be we too have chosen to stay together.
Still Dating My Spouse says
We all go through challenges. I’m happy that you guys have decided to stay together and work through the challenges.
maria @closetohome says
Marriage is tough and I understand sometimes it does not work but I do hope people who do consider divorce will try to make it work first.
Laura Funk says
The date thing is so tough with our terrible schedules. I wish we were able to actually spend time with just him and I, those moments are few and far between and definitely can push us apart.
Christina says
I think this is great advice, especially putting your spouse first. Selfishness can destroy marriages. Congratulations on your success!
lisa says
These are the best tips! I completely agree with all of them!
Lorane says
I like how you referred to God as an active part of your Marriage. Most couples need that today. I wish you all the best in your marriage
Debbie Denny says
It is too easy to run away. Choosing to stay will bring the most happiness. Working together brings more results.
Tracie says
Teamwork and communication are HUGE! They have saved my marriage more than once. I love what you said about not letting outsiders in – that is a biggie, too.
Phyllis says
This is a great testament that love, hard work & dedication can result in a long lasting marriage. I’ve been married for 20 years (this June) and it hasn’t been easy by any means & we’ve questioned the outcome of our relationship many times but at the end of the day we are best friends and it’s taken a long time to get where we are. Good for you for sticking it out. Best wishes to a long life together!
Still Dating My Spouse says
Congrats on the 20 years in June
Still Dating My Spouse says
Thank you Lorane
Pam says
Keeping God first in your marriage is so important. It’s one of the best ways to make sure you stay together.
Liz Mays says
I don’t think you should ever have to stop going on dates. They’re how people start to like each other in the first place!
Wendy says
I love this post! When we were first dating, my husband and I had a conversation about what we expected from life, and that included for both of us, life long marriage. it’s work sometimes, but So worth it!
OurFamilyWorld says
This is such a great story. Thank you so much for sharing.
Rosey says
You’re so so so lucky to have someone sharing in your faith. It’s possible to stay together and be happy when one person is not a believer, but it’s hard to know your spouse isn’t praying for you, with you, etc. I think the solidarity of faith would be such a huge bonus.
Annie {Stowed Stuff} says
Marriage is a commitment for sure and sticking together isn’t always easy. Great post!
Crystal Green says
This is such an inspirational post. I love to hear how other couples have found the means to stay together. Marriage is never easy, but it’s well worth putting the time and energy into keeping it strong.
Keelie Reason says
So happy you and your husband are still together. It is so hard to stay happily married, but completely worth it. I love the name of your blog. Dating your spouse is such an important part of marriage. A lot of people forget to spend time together after they get married.
Monique says
Beautiful post about your story as a couple, and what a beautiful couple you guys are! Absolutely agreed on always being in service of the other person. No matter what, I always try and put my boyfriends needs before mine, and thankfully he does the same for me. We balance each other out in that way, and that is so incredibly important! Also pretty awesome that you guys are still together after all these years! I definitely agree that when there’s kids involved, it really has to be a ‘divorce is not an option’ kind of thing. My parents divorced when I was young, and while I wouldn’t say it ruined me, it was definitely an interesting experience that I hope to never give any of my kids. So great to meet you via the Commentathon! 🙂
Angela McKinney says
I love this post. Marriage is so hard and not what I expected. I love my husband with all my heart but we hit a lot of bumps and rough patches. We are going on 9 years together this year and 3 married. It’s excitibg and the spark is coming back now.
Jennifer @ Emulsified Family says
When divorce is not an option, you find a way to work things out. Keeping God at the center of your relationship is vital and you have to fight for your marriage when it gets tough. Love the reminder about dates. 🙂 I need to get a babysitter so we can get out soon!
Barb says
I love it. Marriage is something you are constantly working on. My husband and I have date nights every month and look forward to them. Our date night this month will be our 17 year wedding anniversary.
Laura says
I love your blog! You are doing a great thing. We need strong marriages in order to have strong families. I am grateful for a loving and supportive husband.
Deb Wolf says
Perfect day for this post. Rev and I are celebrating 43 years today. And I completely agree with your points. Talk through everything . . . quickly. We don’t let things eat at us. We go to each other with the objective being understanding and communicating love. Keeping things from becoming global issues helps too. 🙂
Cami says
This is truly amazing! I love that you decided early on that divorce isn’t an option, and that you put God first. I truly believe that those things are key to a healthy marriage! Thanks for the other great tips too! Best wishes to you and your husband!
Alice @ Earning My Two Cents says
My husband and I have been married almost five years and together for almost 13 years. We knew when we got married that neither of us were perfect and that we loved each other enough to work out any disagreements we had. Communication is so key, like you said, and making sure that we are keeping each other uppermost in mind helps to dissuade the nagging “why isn’t he acting right”” thoughts. I love that you pointed out keeping out third parties. I have made the mistake of telling my friends too much and complaining about him so that they get a negative impression and then I am upset when they don’t like him. Not that I can’t vent to my girlfriends, but I was in a bad habit of not communicating my feelings to him and vented to my friends instead, which doesn’t help solve anything and instead just fosters animosity. Now we are talking more and expressing ourselves more which has brought us closer together.
Bonnie Way says
These are great tips! I totally agree with you that it’s hard work but soooo important to stay together in marriage. My husband and I have had plenty of ups and down in our marriage too and I almost left once but now I’m glad I stayed. Communication has been a big issue for us… something we are constantly working on. I appreciate all your marriage tips on the blog and Facebook! 🙂
Staci says
I love the comment about deciding divorce wasn’t an option. I know divorce can happen for good reasons, but sometimes it’s just an easy out and could be avoided with some work and renewed commitment. Congratulations on your 16 years, and here’s to 16 more!
Jaime at UltimateDonations.org says
In a world where staying together doesn’t seem to be the norm anymore, this post is refreshing. My husband and I met in our teens and married in our early-mid 20s and decided that divorce wasn’t an option for us either. We’ve had ups and downs, but it’s made us so much stronger. I can’t imagine doing it without him.
Jacqueline VH says
To be sure, I think most couples, married or not, experience ups and downs. My husband became deathly ill one summer about 10 years ago and was unable to work for several months. I had to work 3 jobs just to keep our heads slightly above water. Then, I became disabled 5 years ago and now the onus is on him to support us. These trial can be hard on a marriage, but most of the time will make your relationship stronger.
Quilty Huggs,
Jacqueline
Katisha says
Awesome post! I love to see couples defying the odds and making their marriages work. God bless.
Amy says
My husband and I have two sayings, “Always chose us, no matter what” and “Divorce is not an option”. We know that no matter what happens with us, we will work through it. This is a great post and you can see the love you two have for each other.
Ashley says
Thank you for your post. My husband and I began our relationship in a similar manner so I can relate. I’m glad you chose to stay together when it’s so easy to “run” nowadays.
susiefruitcake says
So glad you folks have stuck at it. I just want to wish you both many more happy years together.
Michelle says
Your post is so true. Communication is a huge part of staying together. Thank you for sharing!
Michelle H says
I love love love this positive message! People give up too easily these days. I love the image of an upside down triangle where you and your spouse are the top two corners, and God is the bottom point that the whole relationship stands on. Thanks for sharing!
Shelle @ PreparednessMama says
Nicely put. My husband and I decided at the beginning that divorce would never be an option. Luckily we get along extremely well. I think the best advice you’ve given is to keep other people from meddling in your relationship.
Beth McIntire says
Great story! Marriage definitely has its ups and downs over the years, and outside stresses can take their toll on even the most dedicated couples.
Pam McCormick says
I agree with all of your tips; God first and keep dating are my favorites. 🙂 My hubby and I have been together for 18 years and I always say that we should never stop “getting to know” each other. Discovering new things after all this time keeps the “sparks” going ! 🙂
chellie says
Right on!! Congratulations on 16 years, that is wonderful! My husband and I have also made the commitment from the beginning that divorce is not an option. Keep being a great example to your family! An inspiration for sure!
Cristina says
Keep Outsiders Out! This is family for sure and friends too! Sometimes you forget that there has to be a line, no matter how close the friend is. Even if the words never get back to your husband, it’s all about respect, when he’s in the room and especially when he’s not! Great post!
Staci says
Everyone thought my husband and I would never work out.
There’s a large age difference, and everyone assumed it would fail.
We’ve been together since 2004 and we’ve weathered a lot of storms TOGETHER.
Are we happy with each other every day? No, we’re married.
We do know that we’re just better together. It’s just that simple.
It doesn’t matter what his family throws our way, or what they say about me, and what they say about what kind of a mom I am – he knows who I am, and he knows the two of us are better together and our kids are better for having the two of us parenting them TOGETHER.
Thanks for your post! Love seeing other strong couples out there!
Jennifer Corter says
This is such a wonderful post about marriage. There were plenty of times that my husband and I wanted to throw in the towel, but we always always communicated with each other, that is the most important part of any relationship!
Kelly @ A Mother's Design says
It’s sad that many marriages fail these days. I completely agree with communication being a key. Without communication, little things turn into big problems that could have been solved.
Phyllis Sather says
Anyone who is married can relate – marriage is always a challenge. Glad you’ve been able to stay together all these years. Well done!
Felecia Efriann says
So awesome that you decided in the beginning that divorce was not an option and found ways to work through all your challenges. That kind of commitment and longevity is rare, but I am so thankful I have grown up in a home with parents who have been married for 39 years, had eight children, and stuck it out through all the various up and downs they have faced. Your children will be blessed by y’all example in marriage and the commitment you guys made to stay together, but also thrive together.
Crystal Green says
This is a great post. You’re right marriage is a good journey to embark on, but it does require work to keep it alive.
Shannon says
Great advice! It seems like you are very happy! I think after 10 years my husband and I need a ‘re-fresher’ class! We’ve gotten used to busy lives and don’t take time just for us. It’s hard. Thanks for sharing this!
Still Dating My Spouse says
Oh I understand Alice it’s so easy to tell your BFF and not tell your husband. I’ve been there and bought the shirt to prove it. But when you grow and know better you do better.
Still Dating My Spouse says
Happy anniversary
Still Dating My Spouse says
Thank you!
Elizabeth Duke says
My husband and I have also gone through many trials and tribulations in our marriage. I can absolutely relate to this. Thank you for sharing.
Sophie French says
Perfect – can definitely relate to all points (and I’m not even married yet!) Good for you guys so glad it is working out 🙂 x
Trena Quesenberry says
Great advice. Having three small children makes it hard to have “date night” though. We’re lucky if we get a night to ourselves once a month.
Lisa @ Saving Cent by Cent says
These are great tips! I agree that it’s so important to make God a priority in your marriage and also to serve each other. I noticed in my marriage that when I serve my husband then I am thinking less about what I want. I also notice that my husband also then starts finding ways to serve me, and we end up serving each other growing closer together.
Lauren @ Mom Home Guide says
CONGRATS ON YOUR HAPPY MARRIAGE! IT IS ALWAYS WONDERFUL TO READ ABOUT COUPLES ARE ARE COMMITTED TO EACH OTHER AND LOVE EACH OTHER. BTW, YOUR PHOTOS ARE VERY CUTE! 🙂
Candi says
I love this! My husband and I have been married for 17 years and together for 19. Many times it would have been easier to give up, but that was never an option for us.
Good for you guys!
Christina Sandema-Sombe says
So important keep the romance going after the wedding and the kids and work and so. Really love your blog and very happy for you and yours
The Screenwriter's Wife says
I love reading about other marriages that are committed to making it work out together no matter what too! 🙂
Melissa Vera says
I so agree about keeping outsiders out of the marriage. It seems like everybody always has an opinion about someone else’s marriage but never sees anything wrong with their own.
Shereen Travels Cheap says
Marriage can be hard, but I see way too many people give up when it gets a little rocky. I have been lucky to be surrounded by great couples who weather the downtimes when they come, because they do. Communication is definitely key, but it’s also important to make time for each other when life is hectic and you feel like you’re being pulled in a million different directions. Schedule the time and it will definitely pay off.