Image credit: Alejandro Greonewold/flickr
Recently, I have had two conversations with two different wives about their marriage, their husband, and getting pass the infidelity. The consistent question they asked me was “My spouse cheated, now what do I do?”
This is a powerful statement and one that doesn’t come with a stock answer. Many would think that when you have a cheating spouse your marriage is over. I have to beg to differ. Cheating does not mean that your marriage is over. Cheating doesn’t mean that you have done anything wrong or not worth to be loved. What cheating mean is: there is a problem that need to be addressed.
What to do now that you found out your spouse cheated? [pullquote]They taught us in church that marriage is a ministry, it is symbolic of the relationship between Christ and the church. The enemy will always try to attack it. You and your husband have to get on the same page and fight together.
–Janeane Davis, writer Janeanesworld.com[/pullquote]
First thing is to wrap your mind around the information you just found out about. Finding out that your spouse has cheated, you feel like the wind has been knocked out of you. So take the time you need to digest this information; however, don’t make any major decisions about your marriage during this time of processing.
When it is revealed that your spouse has violated your marriage vows, you will experience all kinds of emotions. You may even experience them all at the same time. That is ok! You should express your feelings. Don’t feel ashamed for crying or even wanting to retreat to yourself. There is no right or wrong way to feel.
Things in your marriage as you know it has changed. Your perception, your trust, your security all have changed now that you know your spouse cheated. So with that knowledge, your approach will be different. This difference is neither right or wrong, it is your survival mechanism kicking in. You are on now strictly thinking about protecting yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally.
Image credit: Smile Kerry/flickr
Rebuilding your marriage
Rebuilding your marriage will not happen overnight. There must be some patience, understanding, and honest transparent communication.
Take these steps to rebuild your marriage & trust:
- ONLY ask the questions you really NEED to know the answer to.
- ACCEPT the answers given to you by your spouse. The answers may not be what you thought they should be but accept them at face value.
- FORGIVE: not only your spouse but forgive yourself. You are going to blame self but don’t.
- TELL your spouse what you need from them for you guys to move forward. Be specific and detailed on what is needed to help you and your marriage heal.
- SEEK outside counseling. Get professional help from a licensed counselor or your religious leader. Talk with an objective person not has no ties to you or your spouse.
Rebuilding your marriage takes work, commitment, and patience. You and your spouse must be willing to dig deep to through this storm but infidelity is not an automatic marriage breaker. You must decide on how you will maneuver through this moment in your marriage. It will not be easy but with God anything is possible.
What are your tips would you share to a spouse trying to rebuild after infidelity?
Sue says
Thank you for this. My husband confessed his infidelity to me last year and the woman is now claiming the child she has is his. This has been an EXTREMELY difficult year for me to get past everything. He swears to me that he’s where he wants to be and he wants to make our marriage work, but trust has been very difficult. I start counseling next week for this and some other things, he’s open to joining me when the time comes, so I’m hopeful we can move past this and be stronger in the end.