Tuesday, I shared with you the Bible definition of what Love Is. I know if you were anything like me, 1 Cor 13: 4-7 stepped on your toes as well. I always thought I loved the correct way, but after reading and studying that passage I have made some changes to the way I love my husband.
I am 13 years in marriage (14 years together) and I have seen my love and appreciation for my husband change throughout the years. We all go through different phases in marriage.
4 Stages of Marriage (according to SDMS):
Phase 1. Electrifying High School kind of love: This is when we love everything about our spouse and nothing they do is ever wrong. We love them down to their dirty draws. (old Southern saying)
Phase 2. Oh! I’m comfortable with you phase: This is the phase where you have put in a few years, work and children have taken over your lives and you guys are pretty much just coexisting.
Phase 3. Transitional Phase: This is where the kids are getting older, you are getting older, you are celebrating double digits in anniversary years. You realize that you have a spouse and they still make you laugh but where did the years go. You realize that you miss the time you spent in the Electrifying stage: laughing, having fun, and sexing it all the time.
Phase 4. Oh, I love you more than when we got married phase: is the complete circle phase. At this point, you guys have been through so much that you could write a book. You truly appreciate each other differences and work together to uplift and support your marriage. This is where the love gets deeper and deeper by the minute/day/month/year.
I must admit, I think we were in Phase 2 forever. We were passing each other in the hallway daily because we were so focused on making sure the household was functioning properly and we each had a role in making it run smoothly. We neglected each other physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Oh but when we got in Phase 3, it was like fireworks going off. I think I woke up one morning and looked at my spouse and said [or thought] oh my, he is still here, he must love me! I knew from that point forward that I needed to nurture our relationship and spend time building up our marriage foundation again.
Growing in [agape] love is nothing easy and there will be trials and tribulations; however, if you start building a solid strong foundation in Phase 1, you will add to that foundation little by little in each phase.
We must recognize that each phase is a transition and relative to each couple. Each phase will take us through all the attributes of Love described in 1 Cor. 13: 4-7. How we deal with each transition will either stunt our love growth or give it a growth spurt.
We must understand and appreciate that love grows through the showing of affection. Make it your resolve to physically show affection to your spouse through hugs, kisses, hand holding, etc. Also, tell them how much you care for them and be that lover/partner/wife/husband/friend your spouse need at all times.
Be mindful that what you nourish and water will grow. When you are going through the different phases, don’t focus on the issues, the have nots, or the shortcomings in your marriage; instead, focus on the positives that are happening all around you, focus on the commitment you made and rely heavily on God and the foundation you have laid.
Let’s not forget the need to communicate, physically connect (sex) our spouses, date our spouse, and spiritually grow together as a couple these actions are extremely important.
Growing in love with your spouse can be done but it takes work and determination!
Which phase is your love [marriage] in right now? Name something you are doing in your current phase to grow and deepen your love for your spouse. Share with us in the comments.
As always, we are grateful for you stopping by SDMS, we ask that you share this post with others via twitter, facebook, google + or email.
P. S. We are currently in Phase 4!
Making Our Life Matter says
Terrific post. And pretty much nails it directly on the head. Right now, we are definitely in the transitional phase. Have a terrific week!
Ashley L says
Hi Pamela! Thanks for sharing such a great post! I think I’m in Phase 4 (even though the kids are still young and at home) and my husband would probably say we drift between Phases 2,3 & 4. 🙂 One thing my husband and I work on is being more intentional about speaking each other’s love languages. The book, “The 5 Love Languages” by, Gary Chapman has helped our marriage grow and grow!
Lynden Blossom says
Hello, Pamela – Nice to ‘meet’ you here! I love hearing ‘happy marriage stories’ – happy for others who have made it work!! Lovely interactive-type blog –
Happy 100 Comments Event! ;-}
Lynden
http://aneleganttouch-lynden.blogspot.com/2012/02/100-comments-event-wwwblogelinacom.html
https://www.facebook.com/pages/An-Elegant-Touch-/162889457132788
Still Dating My Spouse says
Thanks for stopping by MOLM. The transitional phase is also the reconnect phase so be prepared to learn new stuff about your spouse that you didn’t know. Continue growing in love and please come back and share your updates.
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Ashley,
The 5 Love Languages is a great resource. We must know and understand our spouse Love language. Ha Ha at drifting between phases. This happens don’t get discouraged, keep building on that foundation and grow with your spouse.
Thanks for stopping by and please stop by again.
Pamela
Kathy (Kangaroo Mama) says
I love this posting, it is so true. If you nourish an water the relationship, it will grow. I do have to say though, I feel like my relationship with my husband is in Phase 2. With a crazy life (grad school, work, 2 internships, toddler, church functions, blog and so many other things) between the 2 of us that we have grown comfortable. We are trying to set up more dates so that we aren’t growing complacent or just accepting that this is the way things will be. Thanks for an encouraging post!
Amanda says
Great post! Pretty much does sum it up. 🙂
Julie M. says
Love the phases! These are so true! I can relate to most of them already:) as we have been married 7 years already…wow time flies!
Crystal @ Surviving a Teacher's Salary says
Great ideas! We have been married almost 8 years now – eek! I can’t believe it’s been so long and sure after kids we’re more tired but we still haven’t lost our desire to be together. My husband is my BEST friend. Thanks for the article!
Jennifer Altman says
I think it’s important that we understand the alternate definitions of ‘love’ and that love is not always the ‘romantic love’ as portrayed in the movies/TV, it grows and matures, and in the end is so much better!
Byn says
My hubby and I will celebrate our 18th anniversary this coming June. We have five kids and thankfully we’ve been in phase 3 AND 4 for the last 5-8 years. We seem to have phases throughout the year, but definitely appreciating each other as much as possible. As always, i love your blog!
Kristin W says
This post was wonderful to read. I am going to share it with my family!
Gwenda says
Great Article!!! My husband and I will be celebrating our second anniversary in June. I am 47 and this is my 1st marriage and I must say that We’re still in phase one. I know there will be challenges along the way however having been a single parent to four boys(now grown), I learned a long time ago to pick my battles. So armed that wisdom and nuggets gleaned from blogs such as yours I hope to make the transition from one phase to another as smooth as possible. I’m praying it will!
Karen says
My husband is a pilot and travels a lot, so while he’s gone we get to miss each other, and we he comes home we can’t wait to reconnect. It’s like a taste of the honeymoon phase every week even after 13 years of marriage!
lisa says
We are definitely in Phase 4. We are married for 14 years, together for 17 and have six beautiful children.
Our relationship has stood the test of time. My husband just told me for the gazillioneth time yesterday that he will be with me until God takes one of us.
T. Todd says
I love reading your article. My husband and I have been together for 11 years (2 yrs 8 mths married). We fell for each other in college. I feel like we are in the 2-3 phase right now. There is so much going on in our lives this year that it can be easy to go through the daily motions. We don’t even have babies yet and I feel overwhelmed with the thought of how will our marriage be once the kids arrive. But I know that “through Christ I can do all things” (Philp 4:13) and the includes having a great marriage that He has blessed me with.
Staci says
Pamela, this is an excellent post! I think it should be printed off and given to all young couples! Thanks for the encouragement. I tell you, I think we are in all phases sometimes. This year will be my 20th anniversary! Thanks again for the post.
Candi says
I think we are in 4 also. Its been 24 years but our youngest is only 9. We have a ways to go before we are alone again.
Janet K says
We are in a weird version of Phase 2 where my husband lingers on Phase 1 and I’m stuck in “I’m kinda not into you”. We have some rocky past and I’m struggling with letting it go. We’ve been through premarital counseling (3 years into our marriage) and things got better, but he’s just not the man I thought I would marry…or he is sometimes, but not consistently. THIS is why I’m “studying” your blog!! I have so much to learn and so much to improve upon…thank you for what you share here AND in your group. God Bless You
Still Dating My Spouse says
Janet,
Aww thank you! You and your situation is the reason I started this blog. I’ve been there…thinking what the hell have I gotten myself into with this man LOL You married him for a reason. I want you to go and read the Marriage Internal Cleanse post I did. You must get rid of things in the past and just let it go. If you agreed to accept him back and forgive then you must not allow it to consume you and destroy your marriage.
I will be praying for you and your husband!
Make sure to subscribe to the blog to get the posts in your email.
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Candi,
Oh you have a little one! You have about 9 years before you and hubby will be home alone but during these 9 years still nurture and build on your foundation. Try to date your husband now so when you guys are finally home alone, you don’t find yourself in a house with someone you don’t know because all your attention was on the kids.
Thanks for stopping by and please stop by again! Don’t forget to subscribe to the blog.
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Staci,
Congrats on 20 years! Hey I think all marriages drift into all phases during any given year LOL
Thanks for stopping by and please stop by again! Don’t forget to subscribe to the blog and receive posts in your email daily.
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
T.Todd,
You are absolutely right, lean on God and he will help your through everything. Try to get some date nights in to you guys busy lives. Don’t miss the opportunity to connect with your husband. If you are not able to do it weekly at least attempt to set a date/QT twice a month! Start now so when the babies do come, you guys can already have a routine of spending that undivided time together.
Thanks for stopping by and please stop by again! Don’t forget to subscribe to the blog and receive posts in your email daily.
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Lisa,
What a blessing….
Thanks for stopping by and please stop by again! Don’t forget to subscribe to the blog and receive posts in your email daily.
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Karen,
I love it! Keep dating, oops I mean honeymooning….
Thanks for stopping by and please stop by again! Don’t forget to subscribe to the blog and receive posts in your email daily.
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Gwenda,
You are a newlywed! Congrats on the upcoming second anniversary…Oh don’t worry about the transiting, who knows you guys can stay in Phase 1 for ever LOL Build on that foundation, date each other, anticipate each others need is a great start!
Thanks for stopping by and please stop by again! Don’t forget to subscribe to the blog and receive posts in your email daily.
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Kristin,
Thanks for stopping by and please stop by again! Don’t forget to subscribe to the blog and receive posts in your email daily.
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Byn,
Thank you so much! Congrats on 18 years. 5 kids and you guys are still connecting..that is a blessing! Keep dating…
Thanks for stopping by and please stop by again! Don’t forget to subscribe to the blog and receive posts in your email daily.
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Jennifer,
You are absolutely right. We can not model our love off the movies or TV shows. Those are scripted and our marriages are not. We are reality [TV] for real.
Thanks for stopping by and please stop by again! Don’t forget to subscribe to the blog and receive posts in your email daily.
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Crystal,
HaHa it does seem like marriage years go by so fast. You wonder where did the time go…Its always warms my heart when I hear that someone spouse is their BFF. Keep doing what you do!
Thanks for stopping by and please stop by again! Don’t forget to subscribe to the blog and receive posts in your email daily.
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Julie,
Thanks! I used what we had been through to decide the phases because I figured most marriages probably have experienced some or all of what we have. 7 years, where did the time go? LOL
Thanks for stopping by and please stop by again! Don’t forget to subscribe to the blog and receive posts in your email daily.
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Kathy,
Date Date Date! Make time…have a lunch date…set up a midnight movie night…turn off all phones, close all school books and just reconnect even if its just for 30 minutes one day a week. You will eventually see that time increase because of the enjoyment you guys will get out of bonding! Please update me later with how you are doing with dating.
Thanks for stopping by and please stop by again! Don’t forget to subscribe to the blog and receive posts in your email daily.
Pamela
Clarinda Olenslager says
We have been married for almost ten years. I think we are in Phase 2 but is been good and bad. We work through things though.
Christine SD says
Great post! I’m definitely getting ideas that I can use for when I get married and have childen.
Angi says
that does sum it up and some of your points are spot on.
It doesn’t matter how long you have been together always make time for each other.
dawn says
Interesting to see the phases of marriage. I’m single, but I can certainly identify those stages in my friends and family.
Mystery Shopping Teacher says
Thanks for this post! I didn’t have to think much at all to find out what phase I am in with my marriage but I guess I’ve never thought of it this way before. I know what I have to look forward to 🙂
Junebug says
I like your phases. Certainly shows how much work a marriage is after you are swept away on the horse. Well, in my case the horse was a Chevy Nova. After knowing each other 20+ years and 9 being married, I thought we might be in between 3 and 4. However, with a newborn in the house we might be regressing a bit. It will take some extra effort on my three/four hours of sleep at a time to keep us going strong.
Happydally says
I’m not married but I love the niche you have chosen to blog about. It is such an important thing. I love my Farm Boy very much. I think we are Phase 2 since we’ve been friends for 10+ years. 🙂 Have a great week!
janis meredith says
how about the empty nest stage, “do I still know you?” We worked hard as our kids were growing up so that we would not say that when we faced the empty nest. It has paid off. We are still in love and best friends, now that our youngest has left for college.
Still Dating My Spouse says
Janis,
We are empty nesters as well! I would think those that haven’t taken the time to date and grow together while the kids are at home would be in the transitional stage. The stage when the kids are getting older (leaving home) and you realize that you still have a husband.
Its really nice that you recognized the need to continue to work hard while the kids was still at home to get to know each other and grow, many couples miss that aspect of marriage.
Thanks for stopping by and please stop by again!
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Happy dally,
I’m really laughing the pet name you have for your friend “Farm Boy”. Thanks for stopping by and please feel free to subscribe to get more tips you can use when you guys do make the big leap!
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
JuneBug,
You can definitely date each now especially! Hey you can use time while you are rocking the baby to sleep as an opportunity to bond. One rocking the baby and the both of you singing a lullaby. Once baby is sleep, share stories of your childhood and the things you liked for your parents to do with you or for you! I know I know I say no children talk during date night but hey if we can get you guys to spending time together and conversing about your lives as children that is a start. Who knows, the conversation can always turn to what you want.
The idea is to share, bond, reconnect.
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Mystery Shopping,
I’m glad you were able to find something useful in the post. Please stop back through again or subscribe to receive updates!
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Clarinda,
It is really great that you guys work through the hiccups! Hey we all have experience the good, the bad, and the ugly in being married, but stick with it because the good always outweigh the bad!
Pamela
Chelle says
Pamela,
What a lovely post. As we prepare to celebrate 19 years of wedded bliss, we are happily in S4. We’ve known each other since we were prom dates in high school; he was my first love and we’ve built a life and brought two remarkable children into the world together. For the last 29 days, I’ve been engaged in sacrificial prayer for my husband….just because it felt like something I was led to do. I agree that S4 is better than S1, but only because by the time you get there you have greater, deeper appreciation for the love God’s blessed you to share.
I’ll be back.
Peace and good to you and the husband you’re still dating…
Kristel says
I’ve poked around your blog. Thank you for helping to strengthen marriages. You’ve posted much needed and helpful info. I can learn a from you.
Elizabeth says
What a terrific topic you tackled. My husband and I just celebrated our 26th anniversary. We are surely in phase 4, but don’t always appreciate each other’s differences. You do kind of drive each other crazy once a while. But that’s okay, we’re committed to each other and do really love each other more than ever.
Leslie says
Great Post!! My husband and I have been married 27 years. We have four children. We are in stage 4. We do everything together.We Probably tell each other I love you 10 times or more a day.
MJ says
What a great post, people often forget that to keep a relationship healthy, it can take work. Relationships also experience transitions, as part of life, and understanding those phases can help you realize what is going on in the relationship. Thanks for sharing!
Women Are Gamechangers says
I am not married but I do hope to grow in love til death with my spouse. I do agree that family is so important and we have to make that a priority regardless of what society thinks.
Nekky says
This post made my cry Pamela. It really touched me. We are currently on phase 2 and I pray that the kids will grow older. We need our lives back. I’ve been so comfortable with this stage but it just occurred to me how much I’ve missed my husband.
Still Dating My Spouse says
Nekky,
Awww don’t cry. You guys must make time for each other NOW! You can start off slow since you have little ones at home. Devote 15 minutes a day just to talk to each other and inquire about how you are doing. Share and intake what is being said and always end the 15 minutes reconfirming your love…Say I love you often to each other.
Please stop back by!
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
MJ,
Thank you for stopping. Yes marriage will go through transitions and as couples we must adapt to these transitions.
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Wonderful Leslie! 27 years of marriage is something to be very proud of…
Thanks for stopping by and please stop by again.
Pamela
Jessie says
I am newly engaged, but I have lived with my fiance for three years now. We have two small children, and tend to be pretty busy with day to day life. We do take time each day to connect just the two of us – it is nice to have our own time to talk and listen to each other. It gives us a nice break together from very busy lives!
Cindy says
That is just what I needed! We’ve been married for 8 1/2 years, together for 15 and we now have two young children and it helps to know what we are going through is NORMAL. We do need to talk more!
Shopping Tips and Tricks says
Great post, Pamela! I’ve been married for 21 years and we have four beautiful children and I thank God for the man he gave me.
JulieK says
Although there ARE days when I feel like we’re in Phase 4, the reality of our busy life with a toddler and being prego again usually dump us right in Phase 2 where we barely have time to THINK about our relationship. However, we have a very solid, strong relationship with pretty much ZERO issues, so being in “maintain” mode, while not so much FUN, at least doesn’t create any friction – we kind of both acknowledge that this is where we are while we figure the parenting thing out! 🙂 Great article!
Nichole @ readitagainmama says
Great post. I would say that we are somewhere between 2 and 3. After a failed church plant a year and a half ago and a couple of moves since then with our three little guys we have really grown closer seeking God and his plan for us. Our tough financial position has drawn us closer together because each other is what we have.
Amanda says
Tomorrow is my third anniversary. We’re still honeymooners, as far as we’re concerned.
Still Dating My Spouse says
Happy Anniversary…so you are in Phase 1. Congrats again on the 3 years!
Thank you for stopping by and please don’t be a stranger!
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Nichole,
Drawing closer to each other is the perfect thing to do, especially in rough times. Just know that trouble don’t last always so you guys keep dating, keep laughing, and keep leaning on each other.
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Julie,
Maintaining mode is not bad at all…at least you guys know where you are and can build on it. Don’t stop dating, spend quality time together without the baby and definitely capture all the moments you can now before the other baby arrives.
Thanks for stopping by please stop by again!
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Cindy,
LOL “normal” what a great term to use. Yes your marriage is normal LOL You should follow the Marriage Communication series I am doing this week (March 5-9). I am doing a week long series on Communication and how to communicate with your spouse.
Please subscribe to receive updates in your email.
Thanks,
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Jessie,
I love it! Its really nice to hear couples that value bonding and spending time together just talking and listening to each other.
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Elizabeth,
26 years…what is the one thing you guys do to make it last?
Yes, its normal to drive each other crazy but we wouldn’t miss a day of seeing and talking to our spouse…even if they make us crazy!
Thank you for stopping by and please subscribe and stop by again.
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Chelle,
What a blessing your husband has in you….sacrificially praying for your spouse is a blessing for the both of you. Please stop by again and share your thoughts with us. I truly appreciate it!
Pamela
Mona says
We’re definitely in Phase 2! I’m so glad to have DH in my life and we’ve had some phase 4 stuff, but our kids are little and there are times when we don’t actually get to talk until after the kids are in bed.
Mona says
We’re definitely in Phase 2 (married for almost 16 yrs, 3 kids – 7, 5, 3) although we’ve had some stuff that would qualify for Phase 4.
Tami @ This Mom's Delight says
We unfortunately had an extra phase in between 2 & 3. It was “I hate you” phrase that I am not proud of. I thank God for keeping us together although it seemed like we’d never like each again.
Now, I am truly blessed with a terrific husband!! I can imagine how life would be had we divorced!
Paula Baker says
I liked the subject of your post. Agape love is worth it, but it does take work. Most things that are worth the effort are, well, worth the effort. 🙂 Congrats on being in Phase 4!
Cambria says
Great post! We have been married for 4 years and have 3 (almost 4) kids. We are probably between 1 and 2. . .we are pretty busy but my husband still takes the time to call or text me from grad school/work every day! And I still think he is the hottest guy that hit the planet!
Stacy King says
What a great article, and a great reminder to not take my spouse for granted. I love loving him, even during the tougher phases.
Single Gal says
Great post! It’s always great to see that their are couples out there that are still in love after many years of marriage together. My parents have been together for 32 years and still do the cutest things! That’s not to say they didn’t have their rocky moments, but it is encouraging to see that they made it through.
Amy says
Love it! Great information. Definitely something to think about!
Amanda says
I really enjoyed this post. It had very good insights and I will be referring to your blog when I need a read like this.
Thank you so much for sharing!
Sparta Savings says
After 17 years of marriage, I think we are in the forth stage and love each other more than ever before. That being said, I do think you have to be cautious about being too comfortable and taking it for granted! My parents divorced at 20 years, so I always try to work at this relationship everyday!
Cari says
The strange thing about this is Chris and I have been married for almost 2 years, but together for 6 years. However, we started out more in the stage two. It felt like we had always been together, and we have been through a lot together. We have the relationship that most have when they have been married much longer. It is comforting!
Rory at The Tourist Baby says
Hi Pamela – This is a great post! I guess we are in phase 2 – but traveling as a family, and occasionally as a couple helps remind us of phase 1! Thanks for your insight!
isis says
Wow what a great read! Hubby and I are on Phase 2. With our baby just turning 1 year old next month, we still have a long way to get to Phase 3. I know that with God’s grace, we can stay together till death do us part. But I also know that it won’t be easy.
Jenni & Jody says
My husband (Jenni speaking) and I have been together for 15 years. We have six children, and we are in Phase 4. With every passing anniversary, I’m amazed at how much more I love him now than I did when we were newlyweds!
So, in this phase, we have the 72 hour rule. Barring a stomach virus, we don’t let 72 hours pass without sex. It has definitely helped us grow stronger in this season of life.
Thanks for a great (and much needed) blog!
Still Dating My Spouse says
Jenni,
I love that rule…I think my husband and I have an unwritten rule. We are quick to tell each other its been X number of days and I am not going another day without physical contact LOL
Thank you for stopping by and sharing…please don’t be a stranger and feel free to follow the blog!
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Isis,
Keep God first and you will be surprised! You guys will be just fine…Remember to date each other especially while the baby is sleeping & you take time for self.
Pamela
Quida says
I love your article Pamela! You have done such a great job and it is great connecting with you from Blogelina. I am subscribing to your blog, liking you on Facebook and following you on twitter. Stay in touch!
Still Dating My Spouse says
Quida,
Thanks! I look forward to networking with you.
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Single Gal,
What great role models you have in your parents. Some of us don’t have those close roles models to rely on.
Thanks for stopping by.
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Tami,
Don’t worry many of us go through that “I hate you phase.” This is a phase that I hope and pray marriages do not stay in long. If you waddle in this phase to long you build up a wall of distrust and hate that is hard to tear down. I am glad to hear that you guys stuck it through and loving each other.
Pamela
Jen Reg says
hi pamela. told you i’ll be dropping by. : )
i think we are still in phase 2. we have actually only been married for 4 years (we dated more than 5 years before that)and i don’t think we are still struggling through that phase of juggling our marriage with parenthood (we have two toddlers). i’m just happy that, as you saw in my latest post, we are able to recognize what is going on and in think that is very important if we’re ever going to transition to phase 3. : )
Jen Reg says
just a correction: i mean to say WE ARE still struggling through that phase of juggling
Still Dating My Spouse says
Thanks for stopping by Jen.