Ok, I will not beat around the bush: If you have toxic people in your life that is infecting your marriage GET RID OF THEM! You really don’t need them in your life regardless if you are married or not, but if they are causing problems in your marriage you need to get rid of them once and for all.
It is hard to think that your lifelong friend or even a family member could be toxic for your marriage. We automatically think hope that our family and friends will love our spouse just as much as we do. WRONG!
There are times that our spouse is not accepted by our friends and family. They are so brazen to talk negative about our spouse and our marriage to us. To paraphrase my friend Rachee’, Say it RahShay, “When we take in all this negativity, we will begin to internalize it and it will affect us personally [and our relationships]. “
This type of behavior and other damaging behavior cannot be tolerated.
[pullquote]
“Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”
― Deborah Reber, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul: 101 Stories of Life, Love and Learning[/pullquote]
We have to remember that “we” wanted to get married and spend the rest of our life and time with your spouse. So that mean “we” have decided that our friends and other family members are not top priority in our life any longer. This new relationship and life changing event can cause an unhappy break with our closest and dearest friends and family.
Don’t get me wrong, friends and family are not bad themselves, per se, its when they become intrude into your marriage that you must get rid of them. The outside influences can slowly creep into your marriage and cause a distance between you and your spouse.
To prevent this division from happening, you must actively work as one and recognize the subtle intrusions from those on the outside. Set boundaries.
You must decide to set boundaries with friends and family. These boundaries must be honored and not crossed. Guard your marriage. Guard your spouse from outside damage. You have to be clear with your friends and family about their interactions in your marriage and with your spouse.
Don’t allow your friends or family to ever disrespect your spouse or your marriage. NEVER!
Now don’t get me wrong, you will spend time with friends and family. They will also spend time with your spouse but make sure you have a healthy balance and respect among all. It is your responsibility to enforce these boundaries and make sure YOUR friends and family adhere to them
This new found action on your part may hurt you to do but know that it is the right thing to do. When you have time, read Peace of Mind and Tempered Expectations.
Overall, friendships and relationships with our family are important but our relationship with our spouse is most important. You can definitely have both but set the tone and the ground rules for the merging of your marriage to your friends and family.
How did you set boundaries with your friends and family concerning your marriage or relationship?
Becky Lyons Borgia says
Fabulous key quotes. I tweeted all three! 🙂
Jennifer B says
This is excellent advice to follow. I have had toxic family members who were constantly negative do similar things. One of the things that we did was move 1000 miles away and that has really helped!
Kisa says
You’re very right, I really do need to cut some people out of my life in order to stop dealing with their toxicity. It’s hard, because I truly do want to give them chance after chance and hate to be mean… but there is just only so much I can take.
Mandi says
I think it’s important to have boundaries with in-laws/grandparents because at least in my experience, they like to “butt in”. We’ve set some in place and struggle with respecting them on occasion, but for the most part no issues!
brett says
so important. we were struggling at one time and i remember saying through tears to my husband “but you CHOSE to marry me and make ME your family. doesn’t that count?” and it kind of stopped us both… it wasn’t something i’d planned to say but it’s so true. and we’ve tried to live by that
Pauline C. says
Ah, Don’t allow your friends or family to ever disrespect your spouse or your marriage. NEVER!
That’s so true. Always set boundaries. It’s all about balance!
Nicole says
I love this post. Sometimes it is difficult to pinpoint toxic people because they might not be mean or bad. They might just not be the right people to compliment your life.
Jennifer Clay says
Yes! I keep all the people who only bring drama and negativity out of my life. I can’t stand having problems being dragged into my life by people who really do not matter!
Onica {MommyFactor} says
I think some feedback from friends and family is OK. sometime we can be so in love we dont see some things clearly. But that feedback also needs to be taken with a grain of salt. Balance.
Kim says
I wouldn’t go as far as to “get rid” of them, but setting boundaries first, and then putting distance between you is definitely important, and not just when it comes to your marriage! I could see these same attitudes affecting my children and our choices on how we were treating their chronic medical condition, and it was not good for anyone involved. Being firm and strong, but still showing love (even from a distance, through one way communication – cards, letters, emails etc letting them know you love them and will be here when they can be more accepting) is a great way to preserve what is important without alienating too.
Pam says
This is a great post. Toxic people can wreak havoc on your marriage if you don’t set boundaries.
Bibi @ Bibi's Culinary Journey says
I must say, I have been very lucky. In 20 years of marriage we never had issues with anybody crossing the boundaries when it comes to our relationship. Other issues, absolutely, but our marriage is untouchable & I think it comes across that way so nobody tries anything 🙂
Still Dating My Spouse says
Kim,
I agree to love from a distance but TOXIC people I would remove from my life. Toxic is just that toxic. You can love a person without having them in your life. My marriage & my children well being is way more important than “keeping” toxic in their life.
Jenn says
I read a post the other day that said its better to have one really good friend that you can count on then a million of friends who call you friends but aren’t there when you need them!
Cynthia L says
I have made it a point to keep all negative people as fas as possible. It is hard with family, but when you marry, that is the long term relationship that must be fostered first.
Debbie Denny says
Great advice. Hard but must clear the toxic out of your marriage.
Sharon says
It’s unfortunate that some friends and family are not promoting healthy relationships. I am very blessed to have very supportive and healthy. Great points and reminders.
Shannon says
I guess it depends on the circumstances. “getting rid of them” is quite harsh and may be your absolute last resort. But couples need to agree that each other (and their immediate family) are priority #1, and always comes first!
Debi Gerhart says
I would say to lessen them in your life and if they keep infected you and your family then get rid of them.
Joanna Sormunen says
I think it’s important to set boundaries. Friends are important but family comes first, always. And friends need to respect that.
Angela says
Those boundaries are so important to keep in tact. Sometimes friends and loved ones just need a gentle reminder.
Heather says
I agree with your post. With family, though you can’t really get rid of Toxic family members. They will always be there, but putting distance between you and them, is definitely important if its affecting relationships between spouses. I wish I could just dismiss one toxic person in my life, but I really can’t my mother is kind of here to stay. At least she lives 200 miles away.
Wood Arts Universe says
What would happen if you had a barrel of good apples and you added to it just ONE bad apple? Get it? Run from these people…be it your Mom, Dad, son, daughter… just RUN! Let them figure it out. If they are your offsprings then you DID do something wrong in rearing them!
Megan says
I’m luck in that I haven’t had any issues with this kind of thing before. My family is super supportive of my marriage and love my husband to pieces. If I complain or vent to them, they listen, but then remind me that we love each other and ultimately it is our relationship to mold.
jenny at dapperhouse says
Something to think about and time to make some choices. I wonder if I am up for the challenge to actually enforce the boundaries?
Stacie @ The Divine Miss Mommy says
Boundaries are what will keep you sane.
Kristin Wheeler (@MamaLuvsBooks) says
Great post! My hubby tells me this constantly, but I do struggle with setting boundaries with them. He’s all about “if it’s not healthy for us to be around….”
Vonnie says
Its good to set these boundaries early in the marriage b/c waiting for years down the road makes it more difficult to handle. Speaking from experience!
Stefani says
I love this post. I normally let people bother me but I am determined to stand my grands this year and set boundries with friends and family. Getting rid of the toxic people in your life can be important too.
Lisa Trudell says
It’s good to keep guidance to keep in mind. As with most things, there are the circumstances to keep in mind. Most likely you wouldn’t want to completely remove them from the equation but perhaps setting clear limits or just limit the time that is spent with them.
G.s. Marjara says
Do you feel it that easy get rid of someone from your life as you suggest, even if the other person is toxic? Who decide who is toxic? Relations are built in due course of time and not overnight. I do not agree on your suggestions and this blog’s starting phrase.
Mama to 5 BLessings says
I like what you said, never let friends or family disrespect our spouses. I need to keep that in check even if it is joking.
Karla Campos says
You make some great points in this article, I am going through a divorce and I can say that family and friends on both sides helped add problems to the relationship. I won’t say that they are responsible for the divorce because of course we had our own issues but adding problems to the issues didn’t help.
Amanda Love says
Great article. I remember when I first got married my husband’s family and friends sure did have a lot to say and always got involved. The fact the we lived pretty close by didn’t help either. Boundaries are very important!
Elizabeth @ Food Ramblings says
Great post– super important to set boundaries…I may be learning this the hard way 🙁
Danielle @ We Have It All says
I very much agree with all of this. NEVER let ANYONE disrespect your spouse. And I also agree with getting rid of anyone who is toxic to your relationship. Great advise.
Heather Lawrence says
I totally agree!!
Sometimes all it takes is time apart for the issues to rectify themselves. It seems harsh but I know a ton of people who have fabulous marriages now because they punted toxic people out of their lives.
Great post!
Trice says
I learned this early in my marriage. Everyone want to offer some bad advice.
Still Dating My Spouse says
Thanks for sharing Karla. We can never blame friends and family but we must acknowledge that they can be a distraction.
Still Dating My Spouse says
Yep, I had to learn about the “joking.” We may laugh but our spouse may not think its funny. So I had to learn to check the “joking” as well.
Still Dating My Spouse says
G.S. Marjara,
I thank you for your thoughts…I think its an individual decision to decide if a person is toxic. I don’t think it is easy but I also don’t think it is necessary to keep toxic people around you.
Still Dating My Spouse says
Lisa,
I agree. Limiting time with toxic people is a good start. Even with limiting you are pretty much “getting rid of them” even if its limited.
Still Dating My Spouse says
Listen to your hubby Kristin 🙂
Still Dating My Spouse says
Yes it they are…..and sane is good lol
Still Dating My Spouse says
I believe you are Jenny!
Still Dating My Spouse says
Thank you Becky
Still Dating My Spouse says
I agree!
Still Dating My Spouse says
Heather,
I’ll take distance! LOL
Still Dating My Spouse says
I agree Onica,
Sometimes we cannot see the forest but we need to understand the source of information. We know when we are getting guidance from a person who has our best interest at heart or someone who doesn’t. Use discernment when it comes to friends and family.
Still Dating My Spouse says
I love that statement Nicole!
Still Dating My Spouse says
Brett,
Yes, we choose our spouse and made them our family & our friend. Not saying get rid of family of friends per se but we must understand that our marriage comes first!
Tara V @ Tara, Dan & Clan says
When I got together with my husband my mother found great pleasure in talking horrible about him. For a long time I tried to ignore it, then realized how it made him feel. After I spoke to my mom about it she did not talk to me for a few months, but when she was over her issue she came around and stopped. However, my husband will never forgive her.
Jennifer Brown says
After several years of marriage its easy to forget that it’s a union of two people, not three or four. we start listening to other people/ family members about our spouse when we should talk it each other.
Lexie Lane says
I definitely agree with you regarding all of this. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone about your problems but on the other hand, they are always people looking in, aren’t they? I always believe that people will judge and drive things into your head that you may not need. Sometimes it’s good to get advice and see things from other perspectives, but other times I think it can be a danger too. Balance can be difficult.
Eliz@positivekismet says
I’ve never understood why some people think its okay to be disrespectful to their friends hubbys’ and family. It is a no, no. in my book too. We can jive all we want but leave my family out of it. I’m with you on this one too.
Elizabeth
Robyn says
Great advice, I totally agree. Will share this!