Addictive behavior is one of the most compelling issues a marriage will face. Addiction as defined by Merriam-Webster dictionary is “an unusually great interest in something or a need to do or have something.” This definition covers a multitude of actions.
Addiction is not just to drugs, smoking, alcohol, sex, or porn but what about excessive eating, shopping, gossiping, enabling, work/career, codependency and countless other bad habits. These addictive behaviors can destroy a marriage if it is not dealt with properly.
I know you are reading this right now and saying no an addiction only deals with alcohol, drugs, and sex but let me tell you right now: you need to get the right view of the actions you are taking so that you can truly see if those actions are good for you and your marriage.
Bad habits are any action that consumes your thinking.
What is one thing you MUST HAVE or DO? Do you think about it all day every day? Do you lie to get it?
If you have an answer for any of those questions, you have an addiction. Yep, if you must shop every day, that is addictive behavior. If you food consumes your thoughts, then you are addicted to food. If you wake up, take a bath, eat with and go to sleep playing Candy Crush, you are addicted to that game or video games.
See addiction is not limited to what the world calls the “normal” addictive stuff.
You cannot be fully committed to your marriage and your addiction. Please understand, addictions make the person devote all their energy, time, and money to seek the fulfillment of the addiction. Alright, let me break it down again: If your face is all into your phone playing Candy Crush from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed, how can you give 100% of you to your spouse, your household, your family? You can’t. You are always thinking about getting off that level and what the next level has for you!
Now I am not picking on the Candy Crush addicts. I want you to replace the words Candy Crush with whatever you fiend for.
I know it’s difficult for you to understand how behaviors such as shopping, playing video games or even devoting all your time to your career could affect a marriage because you equate addiction with mind altering behavior. Great! I’m glad we are in agreement. Anything that consumes you is mind altering. Do I really need to go back to my Candy Crush illustration?
These destructive behaviors cannot reside alongside a marriage that wants to be strong and grow. One or the other will be neglected and most of the time it’s the marriage that suffers.
Being still with yourself is really the only way to break through to yourself ~ Caroll, Love Design Life
Being an addict will not allow you to fully commit to your role as a husband, wife, mother, father.
So how can you let go of the bad habits?
1. Acknowledge you have a problem
The first step in healing is acknowledging that you do have a problem. This is a hard step for some but to really get a hold of this problem you must be honest with yourself first.
2. Decide how to handle the problem
Some people are able to kick their destructive behavior by themselves but some may need to seek counseling. If you cannot do it alone, then please by all means seek the help of a professional.
3. Involve your spouse
Talk to your spouse. Make sure you apologize for your behavior and ask them for their help and support.
Hey, I know this is a tough subject but marriage is tougher! Your love for your spouse is tougher so this subject is just here to help those that need the encouragement to let go. Don’t let your addiction pull your marriage apart.
I will not lie, changing behaviors are difficult but they can be changed. Be determined. Be prayerful and be willing to be vulnerable to pass this hump in your marriage.
If your spouse is the one with the addictive behavior, you need to be supportive. SUPPORTIVE not JUDGEMENTAL. Help your spouse through this and the spouse with the bad habit help your spouse help you through this.
Brandi, at Mama Knows It All, said it best in her post, You Can’t Turn A Foe Into A Housewife: you unable to be a friend to yourself let alone a [good] spouse to someone else until you stop the self-sabotaging decisions [behavior].
Here are some resources for you:
Podcasts for you to listen to at your leisure:
Unabridged – Overcoming Addiction
Let Go and Let God on Sol Searching Radio Show
Books to read:
How to Let Go and Let God by Regina Baker
Addiction and Grace: Love and Spirituality in the Healing of Addictions by Gerald May
What self-sabotaging behavior do you need to stop?
Read the other posts in this series about Letting Go:
Becky Lyons Borgia says
Addictions are very serious. Glad to see you spreading the word with these great tips!
Nicole says
I always say, being a parent is easy – being married to a grown-up is flippin’ hard. But I absolutely love every second of it!!!!
Kisa says
I used to have a severe addiction to the internet. As in I would get stressed out if I ever had to be away from the computer and just HAD to be back there. There was no real reason for it either. :/ Now, while yes I do a lot on line (because I work at home on the computer) I can easily go away from it and be okay.
mel says
I am sending this right along to my friend. Thanks for the wealth of knowledge!
Carla says
Its amazing how limited our view of addictions can be! If we are hiding things from our spouse that is a major issue that needs to be dealt with. I don’t have one but if I did develop one I think we have a pretty open relationship in order to talk about it.
Grace Hodgin says
I think with anyone it is sometimes easy to become unbalanced and find satisfaction or gratification through things instead of real life. My husband and I have discussed this and make a point to limit things we feel could be addictive.
Jayne Townsley says
I’ll confess. I’m addicted to Zynga games and that isn’t a lie. If I play for even FIVE minutes to tell myself I’m just going to “take a break,” I’ll be at it for hours.
Compulsion is a killer. It can rob a person of health, finances, relationships, time…the list is endless.
Jesica H says
I think I was addicted to watching TV for a while. I just ‘had’ to make sure I saw my shows. Then we cancelled the satellite and I could now care less about what I watch. Best decision ever!
Kim says
You are absolutely correct. Addiction is not limited to drugs and alcohol, and not recognizing it could ruin far more than “just” your marriage!
Mistee Dawn says
Such a great post. And really good tips. Thanks so much for sharing.
Rachel Ralston says
You make some valid points in this post. It maybe time to reevaluate my life and make some changes. Thank you for sharing.
Jessica Harlow says
This is a really good post about addiction. I completely agree with you that addiction is not limited to just social taboos…drinking, drugs, tatoos, lol…it can be anything that gets out of balance!
Isabella Grey says
I really loved this post. My boyfriend is ALWAYS on his phone, when we’re out eating, when we’re just hanging out at home…all the time!
Sara-Jayne says
I am a terribly addictive person. I feel better that at least I acknowledge it; and sadly I also feel that if you are that kind of personality, there is little that can be done to “fix” it 🙁
Sharon says
So important to realize that if we are giving 100% of our attention to one thing we are neglecting something else. I’m working on being purposely present when I’m doing something with my family.
Curby Aardvark says
I’m not married or in a relationship but addiction is really serious in general; it’s always good to talk to someone about them.
Joanna Sormunen says
This is very true. There are many different addictive behaviors and they are all damaging to our relationships. We always need to be open about encaging in addictive behavior. It is the only way to become free again.
Caroll says
Nice post! Very good and sound information.
Lexie Lane says
My food consumes my thoughts. That’s why I’m on a food rehab! 🙂 I can tell my spouse about it but he just laughs 🙂 Nice post!
Rita Von says
I’m a workaholic myself. I can’t work enough and when I am in a relationships (single gal here) I have to make a mental note to work less and spend more time with my significant other. It has caused many a row in my lovelife.
jenny at dapperhouse says
I dealt with this in my past…being married to the addict and it was a real nightmare for a long time. Ultimately, my relationship did not make it because he was not ready to get help and he died as a result. I would encourage addicts who have support from their spouses to give their best efforts to get help.
Pauline C. says
Omg, it’s funny how I reacted when I read the Candy Crush part! LOL. My whole family is basically addicted to it, but that’s how we bond too – by sharing the same interests 😉
Anyyway, awesome post Pamela. I do agree with you, relationships shouldn’t be taken advantage of. If we want a healthy relationships, then we need to balance ourselves.
Thank you for the very useful tips! 🙂
Jessica Hehir says
I come from a family of addicts. Thankfully all in the recovery. I know the success is due in great part to a supportive partner. Great post and great advice to start the new year in the right direction.
Jennifer Brown says
Good reminder about habits, sometime we don’t even know we do things day after day and what those habits do to our spouse.
Still Dating My Spouse says
A good support system can help you through a lot of stuff! Glad your family is recovering.
Still Dating My Spouse says
LOL I knew there would be a Candy Crush addict reading my posts lOl
Still Dating My Spouse says
Wow Jenny, I hate to hear that he passed away. Sometimes addicts never know that they are an addict! NEVER know……
Still Dating My Spouse says
Rita, you must take time to nurture the relationships just like you take time to nurture your work! Its ok to take a break every now and again
Still Dating My Spouse says
LOL
Still Dating My Spouse says
Sara, acknowledging is a big step! I applaud you.
Still Dating My Spouse says
Thank you!
Wood Arts Universe says
My main addiction is I am workaholic ,hardly have time to read any posts I receive by mail, watch movies at home or going out with my family/ friends. Try my best to spend time with family.
MiMi'z Houz says
Habits or addictions are hard to break. Thanks for the info
G.s. Marjara says
Addiction in marriage and as defined “an unusually great interest in something or a need to do or have something” is the most essential part for the success of marriage. Being addicted to you life partner bring confidence in both and increase element of affection to the optimum level. Thanks for sharing this blog.
Angel Burch says
You are right, addictions come in many forms. Right now I have an addiction to a good nights sleep – but I can claim Menopause LOL.
Ashley M says
While it’s important to realize how harmful an addiction can be to your marriage – it’s also important to look at why this person is filling their life with this thing in the first place. Perhaps they’re trying to fill a void.
Cara @ Craftdictator says
These are great tips! Addiction is so serious and needs to be handled as a couple for sure!
Eileen says
As much as I have to admit, my addiction is smoking. I want so much to quit but I am surrounded by people who smoke. I will try to kick the habit, really. I hope it would be soon.
Eliz@positivekismet says
I was just thinking, after reading this post, that we can be addicted to good things too. Excessive exercise, rigidity about certain food choices and a good thing turns into a monster…. I love this post with much food for thought.
Elizabeth
Regina says
The truth will set you free! Well, that’s if a person is truly looking to be set free! You share profound messages! Keep doing what you do, you are a blessing to the masses!! Thank you!
Still Dating My Spouse says
Thank you Regina!
Still Dating My Spouse says
Eliz,
You are so right! Even our good intentions can turn to be addictive behavior and cause problems in marriage.
Still Dating My Spouse says
You can kick the habit. It takes time to overcome a smoking addiction.
Still Dating My Spouse says
I totally agree. Once the person acknowledge they have a problem that will open up a discussion and hopefully they can figure out why?
Still Dating My Spouse says
LOL
Still Dating My Spouse says
There are some good addictions but even having an obsession to your spouse could seem bad. Are you overly possessive? Are you incapable of functioning if your spouse is not around? Even with having an addiction to your spouse make sure you have a good balance.