One thing I know is this topic is a controversial topic and one that need to be discussed. Children are a blessing from God but so is your marriage.
Marriage is the foundation for the home and the family. The interaction the kids will see in you and your spouse will guide them in their relationships later in life. If you are not clear about the boundaries and the function of your family, you, your spouse and the kids will experience unnecessary stress and instability in the home and in the family.
Being a parent is a full-time 24 hour job. Being a spouse is also a full-time 24 hour job. Everyday these two completely different jobs will pull at you and choices has to be made. For a long time, I choose to always put my husband to the side and tend to every little thing that came up with the girls. In choosing to ignore my husband needs and fully give the kids all of me, there was nothing left for my husband. In sidelining him, my marriage suffered and his authority in the house went down the toilet.
See, our kids are watching us at all times. They react and act according to the example we set. So as I was ignoring him and the girls was learning that its ok to ignore him because “my word” was law (in their eyes and by my actions). What a bad example I was setting.
I was so confused and was confusing the kids on what God principles were and how to proritize things in life. I failed to encourage, love, motivate, respect and allow my husband to lead the family. My priorities were distorted. All of me, my everything was to make sure the kids had everything they thought they wanted regardless of how it affected my husband and my family as a whole.
God instructs us to “teach our kids, nurture them, and release them.” In teaching the girls, I had to learn that my interactions with my husband is teaching them that the man is not the head, he is not important and you can overrule your husband. That is so not the truth nor right!
Let me be honest and transparent with you, this was not an easy thing to change. I fought it for a long time. God had to convict me because I was all about the kids and my husband would fit in where ever he could and there wasn’t much left for him to get. I had to implement several things in my life to get me in line with what God wanted for my family.
First thing I had to pray to God to help me change my ways. To help me be the wife and mother that my husband and children deserved.
Second, I apologized to my husband and the girls. I had to apologize to him because I wasn’t being a good wife nor was I respecting his role in the family. I apologized to the girls because I was failing them as a woman and as an example of a wife. I also was failing them as a mother because I was giving to them even when they didn’t deserve it. I was teaching them that regardless of their actions, they could get and do whatever they wanted when they wanted.
Third, I had to understand that there are designed roles in the family. God said its spouse then kids. Yes, I know, how can I put anyone over my kids? Those were my comeback words to God when he would kept telling me ‘I’m operating out of order.’ Well, let me tell you like I had to be told: its not that I was saying my children are less than my spouse but that I’m choosing to have a healthy stable home life which includes my husband and my children. By working within my role, I’m providing a hostile free zone for my husband and kids. I’m providing a stable home environment for the kids.
When I fell in line with what God said, then I was able to prioritize my life and be whole for my husband and kids. The example I set for the girls and my husband is priceless. I was able to show the girls that I can respect my husband as the leader of the family and still be an involved mother to them. I was able to show my husband that even with balancing being his wife and the mother of the kids, I still respect and value him as a man, my husband and the leader of our family.
The boundaries I set for both priorities in my life saved my husband and kids from feeling like I chose one over the other. I heard someone say before “I will never inconvenience my children and I will never let my husband need anything.” This is such a powerful statement.
Yes, your kids are your priority when they are babies, toddlers, teenagers but when those jokers become grown your level of involvement in their lives diminishes. Not saying that you are not part of their life but more so you are in a different role in their lives.
If you have a spouse that is walking in their designed role, they will respect your role as a mother or father. They would never make you choose between them and the kids. Once you operate in your God given role under God’s authority, there will be no gaps in love, support, or nurturing!
Understand the roles you play! Embrace them but neither role should every feel neglected nor less important. If you truly love your family, you will choose your spouse first because all your other roles will benefit from the healthy relationship you have with your spouse and God can and will bless your union, your family and you!
Trust me and hear me, I am so much happier that I have learned how to operate in my roles. It is a blessing not to have the pressure of “choosing” which role is more important.
How do you manage the roles you play? What boundaries have you set up to make sure everyone feel special in your life!
Please don’t read this and take from it that I’m advocating to ignore, abuse or to neglect your kids, because that is not what I’m saying or wrote. Please note that ABUSE of any kind to anyone is not acceptable.
Janeane Davis says
Spouses are supposed to have priority over children. We had premarital counseling before we married and we were taught that as a Biblical matter, spouses come before children.
Eileen says
Hi! I have been trapped in the middle of being a mom and being a wife. My spouse is my second husband, and I feel my kids resent the attention I give him. My husband wants to establish a close bond with my children but somehow, the wall is always there. I am tired and feel like I always have to choose.
Jess says
great post! ive been hearing stories like this more often, so the idea obviously has some validity to it! beautiful family 🙂 xo, jess @ dreamingofleaving.com
Amberly Steele says
This is so true! When our kids leave, we are left with each other!
Aloise says
I love this. I’m not a wife or mother, and I appreciate this perspective.