Oh many have dreams of getting married and having all the sex they want when they want it. I’m telling you right now to WAKE the F up. That is not realistic. Those of us that have been married for some years can tell you that your sex life will change. Yep, it can change for the better (regular and active sex life) or it can change for the worse (sexless marriage). Close your mouth, there are couples experiencing a sexless marriage.
In 2003, Newsweek noted that 15% to 20% of couples have sex less than 10 times a year, which is defined as a “sexless” marriage. Again, close your mouth! Yes less than 10 times a year isn’t even once a month (there are 12 months in a year).
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I, like many others were naive when I first got married (or even when thinking about married life before actually being married) thought sex would be served on a silver platter when and how I would want it, but again LIFE sets the standard for how often and the method in which sex is served in marriage.
Read: Saying No to Sex Can Ruin Your Marriage
Yep, I said LIFE. See what we fail to factor into our married sex life is:
- Children
- Health
- Career
- Aging
- Desire
Now don’t look at this list as being listed in order of importance or order of most damage to sex life, nope that’s not the case. This list is just a few of the things that could cause a couple to have a sexless marriage.
Why a Sexless Marriage
The sad thing is, many couples experience sexless marriages and determine that the marriage is over. They just don’t know what to do to get the intimacy, the fire, the loving back into their marriage so they just GIVE UP or SHUT DOWN. When the sex stops, its important for couples to answer and/or ask three simple questions:
- What is different now than when the sex was on FLEEK? (Yes I thought FLEEK was appropriate here. For those that don’t know what FLEEK means, it means: on point)
- Is there a health issue that is preventing the sex to be FLEEK? (Damn, that word just fits so I’m using it)
- Do you not find your spouse desirable? (I know this is the last question you want to ask but it must be asked. What if its just something simple as “your spouse would like to see you looking good every once in awhile.” I mean they are tired of seeing that same ole housecoat or wholly shirt. Clean yourself up. (that’s what your spouse is thinking not me))
When major hiccups happen in marriage, like no sex, couples clam up and don’t know how to navigate the playing field of emotions, questions, and reality.
A sexless marriage can happen to any of us at any age. A spouse who is extremely busy with pursuing their “dream” jobs/careers will not have time to invest in lovemaking. A spouse who has time for everyone else or everything else will not have time to invest in lovemaking. A spouse whose libido doesn’t equal that of their spouse will not want to invest in lovemaking. A spouse who is more committed to pursuing validation from titles, boards, friends, or even online association will not have time to invest in lovemaking. All of these scenarios lend itself to a sexless marriage.
How to overcome a Sexless Marriage
It’s important that the couple in a sexless marriage approach this taboo subject with patience, love, understanding and a heart and mind to work together on finding a solution.
Try these steps to help bring your sex life back to making you and your spouse HAPPY:
- Be honest about what is happening and WHY?
- Pick the right time to talk about the sex or lack of sex in the marriage
- If a medical issue, seek a doctor’s advice.
- Try new positions. Add toys to your sex life.
- Make time for sex. Yes pen in on your calendar, on your phone time that you and your spouse will have sex.
- Change your eating habits. Eat healthier. Eat more food that will enhance your sex drive.
- COMMUNICATE about whats happening. COMMUNICATION is key.
Sex bonds husband & wife & gives a closeness that is incomparable to anything else. It’s important that you face the sexless marriage head on (no pun intended). Talk. Plan. Work together. and Just Do It.
Janeane Davis says
This was an interesting article. I like thqt you explained there are many reasons for this to hapoen. I also like that you advised coupl3s to talk and to seek medical help if needed.