On Saturday, Iyanla Vanzant season premiere of her hit TV show, Fix My Life, was a story about Terrell Owens. Terrell Owens was once a #1 Football star that made history & memories on the football field. Now you probably saying, what does his story have to do with Still Dating My Spouse. I am so glad you asked.
Marriage is about bridging two pasts as one, but that merger is harder when one of participants is holding on to past hurts & disappoints. Still Dating My Spouse is all about building healthy strong marriages thru regular date nights. As you guys know, I am always saying there is no dating when there is hurt, disappoints, or mistrust happening in marriage. As in Terrell story, he never was able to have a healthy strong [marriage] to his career because of his past hurts, disappoints, and mistrust. So I wanted to share his story & help you Fix Your Life [Marriage].
The way you interact with people [your spouse] stems from the interactions you received in your childhood. If you never saw your parents laugh, hug, say I love you or solve problems the amicable ways then you have nothing to pull from. Stop and think about how you interact with your spouse? Do you see some of the attributes from your parents or the person who raised you? Yes, you do! We all share actions & reactions from those that mold us into the person we are.
Terrell Owens interacted with his teammates, friends, the media, his children’s mothers in a negative way. He was outrageous in his actions with those closest to him because he didn’t know how to express himself. Terrell Owens acted out due to the fact in his household, communication was first & foremost. Instead of talking sharing & encouraging each other, his family swept things under the rug. This behavior will not build a strong & healthy family.
How are you communicating with your spouse? How did your parents communicate with you?
Unresolved issues as a child only begot unresolved issues as an adult. These suppressed issues will spill out into your marriage, your career, into your family. It’s not positive & can destroy your happiness if not handled.
Every one of us brings something good to our marriage. The goodness you possess is smothered by all the negative baggage you are holding on to. Don’t allow the baggage weigh you down. Fix your Life [marriage] NOW!
5 Ways to Fix Your Life [Marriage]
- Acknowledge you have baggage
- Write out the what is keeping you from being 100% present in your marriage
- Pray about these issues & ask God to guide you to let it go
- Confront the issue giver. There are several ways to handle this: you can try to have a conversation with the person & express your feelings. Or you can write a letter to yourself releasing you from the hurt others have done to you. Either way, you must let it go!
- Let your spouse in on what is bothering you. Be open, transparent & allow them to be your support to get past the hurt & disappoints.
This is not easy but it is a must & it is doable. If you continue to hold on to your past hurts, it will continue to destroy your present & future. Love yourself enough to get healthy. Love yourself enough to let it go. Love yourself enough to know what happened wasn’t about you or anything you done!
Love yourself enough to allow your spouse to love 100% of you! Just like Terrell acknowledging that what you have been doing isn’t working & you need a change.
Get yourself together so you can enjoy dating your spouse.
Pamela R says
I just finished a “dates” to have with your spouse– communicating is always a great key to remember to use!
Sarah says
Great insight and tips!
Lexie Lane says
Yes, I remember Terrell Owens. Very sad. But I do see this a lot in other people though. You’ve made some great points. Thanks for this post.
Megan says
These are some great thoughts. Communication is an area where my husband and I are trying to do some work. Thanks for sharing!
Kristin Wheeler (@MamaLuvsBooks) says
Good advice. We let it build up until we get frustrated. It’s better just to talk it out right away.
Jennifer Williams says
My parents never displayed affection with each other or the kids. I know from experience you do not have to be like your parents, I show my husband and my children everyday that I love them, I hug and kiss them all and make sure they know they are the best things I have ever had in my life. I work hard to not be my parents.
Southern Girl Blog Community says
Amen! I watched this episode and Iyanla really got to the root to why he behaved that way. I don’t think a lot of people realized that unresolved childhood issues can carry over into your marriage. I witnessed it first hand!
Sharon says
So important to remember that we are a product of our past and to figure out how to make that work with a relationship!
LaShawn says
this is so true. My husband and I come from completely different backgrounds as far as seeing how marriages work. My parents have been married for 45 years and I learned a lot growing up that I put into practice. He grew up with a single mom for the first half of his life and then a stepfather who was abusive for the second have. I don’t believe he’s actually ever seen a healthy marriage before he met my parents. it is a constant battle to get him to see that the ups and downs of our marriage are normal and that as long as we are willing it will all work out. But it’s working!
Alaina Bullock says
Thnak you for this post. I am holding on to way too much hurt, and have always struggled to let it go. Now that I am married to a man who wants nothing more than for me to be happy, it really is time. This post has really put things into perspective for me, and gave me something to go by to start the process. Thank you.
Mama to 5 BLessings says
sounds great, thanks for sharing!
Mandi says
It’s amazing how much the past effects the future when problems aren’t addressed. Sometimes you don’t even know there is a problem until it is too late. I learned this the hard way in my first marriage. I have since committed to going to “baggage claim” and picking up my STUFF so that I can enjoy my life with my new hubby and children, so I can be the best example they have of living “free”‘. Thanks for sharing! Great read!
Kimberly says
Hi Pam ~ Great read. I will be sure to share this with my married friends.
Meghan says
Great advice! I know it’s hard and something I still need to work on! Thanks for the reminder, sometimes it’s easy to push the bagge down and forget it exists!
Still Dating My Spouse says
Alaina,
Definitely deal with the past & get some closure. Don’t allow it to hurt your current marriage….
Still Dating My Spouse says
Yes the ups and downs are normal….We have to learn like your parents did how to work thru the ups and downs!
Still Dating My Spouse says
Jennifer,
We can definitely learn from our parents and others things we shouldn’t do. So its great that you realize how important PDA is…..