To many, mental illness seems like a distant problem. However, the problem is, mental illness affects families, marriages, and individuals in an alarming rate. According to a 2008 study, the lifetime prevalence for borderline personality disorder is 5.9 percent. That number is steadily increasing, so more and more marriages will be faced with handling this disorder.
It’s interesting that this topic is coming up right now. I am dealing with this issue with a close love one. She don’t know what to do because the husband that she married is no longer in the marriage. He is more withdrawn and afraid than ever.
I did a little research on marriage and mental illness and came across Nicholas E. Cleveland’s book, “From Happiness to Tragedy; to Bliss on the Borderline.” It is a close examination of life, love and loss from the perspective of a man who has been through a roller-coaster of joy and tragedy. Mr. Cleveland’s life was thrown into disarray due to the caustic and destructive personality disorder.
Additional Reading: Are you fully responsible for your spouse?
I reached out to Mr. Cleveland and asked him if he would share some thoughts about dealing with mental illness in marriage on Still Dating My Spouse blog. He agreed and here are his poignant words:
You are beautiful… beyond words. Your eyes are like doves. . . Your hair falls in waves… Your smile is flawless, Your lips like scarlet…Your cheeks are rosy…Your neck is beautiful…Your breasts are like two fawns…You are altogether beautiful, in every way. (Song of Solomon 4:1-7 NLT)
The above passage comes from the Old Testament book written by King Solomon. He tells his bride how beautiful she is. Husbands, this is a good tip; speak to your wife like Solomon spoke to his. Don’t just do it once, but often; very often. And remember, flowers are worth their weight in gold.
I had much practice at this as my 2nd wife had Borderline Personality Disorder. In fact, if I didn’t praise her every day, no, many times per day, she thought I didn’t love her. That’s what BPD does to a woman. She needs constant reminders that she is loved, that she is pretty, that she is needed.
But since most of the readers of this article probably have women who are psychologically normal, I will try to speak to that. My first wife died suddenly when she was only 47 years old. Our son was seven. I recall very vividly, after I finally accepted she was really dead, that I should have done things differently. I beat myself up, thinking to myself how I should have treated her better. I mean, did what Solomon said; praise her beauty and how she was loved. I took a punch at myself and said, “Why didn’t I let her get that dress she wanted? It wasn’t that expensive!” I would then take another punch and think, “why didn’t I get her that gift she really wanted for her birthday?” Or, why didn’t I do this, why didn’t I do that, why couldn’t I have been a better husband!”
Don’t we always, after we lose someone, then realize what we really had? I am in tears as I write this article, thinking of how I loved her and how wonderful a wife and mother she was. She was the best. But now she is gone, and I cannot say, “Honey I love you.” I cannot tell her how pretty she looks tonight in that new dress. I cannot show her how loved and needed she is. She is gone.
Husbands, realize what you have, today. Take your wife out on a date tonight. Don’t forget the flowers. And, a little gift she had been wanting would be nice.
Have a pleasant marriage.
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Nicholas E. Cleveland
About the author
Nicholas E. Cleveland is Chair of Information Technology at a major technical college, and has a masters in business, an associates in commerce in computer operations as well as a bachelor of arts in history, philosophy, and education. He was happily married for twenty-seven years until his first wife died, leaving him with his seven-year-old son. A year later, he re-married. Then, a second period of grieving was to begin.
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