{Guest Post. Thanks Alyssa at Giveaways Overload for sharing your thoughts about Marital Communication}
I want to thank Pamela for having me! I am a relatively new reader of Still Dating My Spouse and I love that there are places like SDMS to go for support and ideas to make marriage not only work but to be wonderful! We desperately need that in today’s self-absorbed world with such a high rate of divorce. Pamela asked me to talk about how my husband and I use effective communication to keep our marriage strong.
This is how I see it. My husband is my most intimate friend. I married him so I need to talk to him! If I am uncomfortable talking to my spouse then I have a problem. He should be the person I am most comfortable talking to. A friend once observed that I never complained about my husband like so many women seem to do. Why? When I talk things out with him the desire to ‘vent’ about what’s going on leaves. I have no need to discuss the status of my marriage when I have figured things out with my husband. I realize that not everyone has a spouse who is willing to talk things out for one reason or another. In those cases I would seek couples counseling. Sometimes a couple just needs a moderator to help the communication flow. I actually encourage marriage tune-up sessions even for couples who are doing fine. In my opinion counseling or ‘tune-ups’ are like wrinkle cream. If you wait until you have wrinkles to use it, it might already be too late. Preventing is easier than fixing.
What about fighting? My husband and I have had one fight during our marriage. I am not making that up. I am completely serious. We will be celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary in September. I classify a fight as an angry exchange that ends with one of us walking away before the problem is solved. We separated for a few hours then came back together to discuss things in a rational manner. Just because we’ve only done this once doesn’t mean we never disagree or make each other angry. We probably tick each other off as much as the next couple, but we have rules, an unspoken agreement if you will. Here are our rules:
- When one of us speaks the other will listen. We take turns talking and calmly listen as the other speaks. We talk out whatever is troubling us and we figure out together how best to make the situation better.
- We don’t yell. Period. I can honestly say that we have never yelled at each other in anger. Neither of us has been so angry that we couldn’t control our tone of voice. Yelling would only aggravate the situation and make us avoid talking to each other in the future.
- We don’t throw out accusations. Never start a conversation pointing fingers.
- We don’t jump to our own defense hastily. Everyone makes mistakes, and no one likes to admit that they make mistakes. It’s really something that we all need to learn, however. I have a hard time with this, and although I’m getting better, I don’t like to have it pointed out (no matter how nicely) that I’m in the wrong. But that is how we learn, grow, and improve.
- We don’t bring up things that just don’t matter. There will always be something that he does that irritates me, and there will always be something that I do that irritates him. The question is whether it’s worth arguing about. Will fighting about this thing matter tomorrow? Next week? Next year? In ten years? Then don’t fight about it. It doesn’t matter.
- No name calling. My husband and I have never called each other names in anger. Name calling is unacceptable and juvenile. It doesn’t help anything, but it definitely has the potential to make things worse. The point of the discussion is to work out a problem. Name calling will hurt feelings and cause resentment.
So what do we say? We start the conversation our softly by something such as, “It hurts my feelings when you do this” or “I get frustrated over this”. We take responsibility for our own feelings. We don’t say, “you offended me” because that means we allowed the other to dictate how we feel. So it’s, “I’m frustrated because this keeps happening”. The other will say, “What can I do to fix it?” We then discuss our options and commit to working on it. We aren’t perfect and sometimes we have to gently remind each other. Not nag, gently remind. Often when we are discussing problems we are sitting on the couch or the bed either snuggling, or if it’s a serious talk, we look at each other while we talk. Snuggling is for casual conversations and minor issues. We end with “I love you” and a little kiss. We have found this to be the best way for us to problem solve. This is our tear-free solution that fits our needs. This way no one ends up sleeping on the couch.
Frequency is key when communicating. We have to make a conscious effort to make sure we are talking to each other throughout the day. Sometimes it can be hard when life gets hectic. A simple “I love you” or “I really appreciate when you did this today” can go a long way. It needs to be sincere, though. We also have our certain times when we talk about things. This is usually at night after the kids have gone to bed. That way we are uninterrupted, and we can focus on our conversation. It’s not very effective when there are little ones climbing all over us. At night we discuss the happenings of the day and figure out what we’ll be doing tomorrow. We try to do this before we’re actually in bed so that we aren’t kept awake with talking and then thinking about the conversation after the talking.
Hints. I hate hints with the intensity of a thousand suns. We are always straightforward and get to the point. It doesn’t mean we have to be rude or blunt, but being straightforward cuts down on frustration and keeps things mellow. No one likes having to guess. Hints are for games. Marriage is not a game. Along the same lines is lying. No lying. My husband has said to me that the only time he will ever lie to me is over birthdays and Christmas, but that’s kind of a given. There is a little bit of acting that is acceptable. Neither my husband nor I are very expressive in words or expressions. We don’t get overly excited about things. I have found that this can hurt people’s feeling because they think I just don’t care. I have to make an effort to look excited on the outside and share my feelings instead of keeping them inside which is what I default to.
Humor is important to us. We both joke around a lot, but we know when to knock it off. There is a huge difference between humor and sarcasm. Sarcasm is fine in limited quantities. I have found that a lot of sarcasm is just criticism said in a joking manner to try to make a situation less uncomfortable. Sarcasm shouldn’t be used to voice frustration. True humor is harmless and fun. I think humor is essential in everyday life. It keeps us happy and smiling.
Well, that is the gist of how we communicate to keep our marriage strong. My husband loves me and I love him. One of the ways we show our love for each other is to communicate about everything and not play guessing games. I know my children watch and learn from us, and I want to be a good example. Remember that just because something works for us doesn’t mean that is works for everyone. I would encourage couples to find what works for them and to stick to it. I hope I have given some good ideas to use as a starting point.
**Thanks Alyssa for sharing the communication style and techniques you and your husband uses. You provided the readers some great tips. Thank you!**
What are some techniques you and your husband use to keep the lines of communication open?
Alyssa blogs about real life, homemade/organic, and lots of giveaways at Giveaway Overload. She is married to a disabled Navy veteran who is the love of her life. They live in Idaho with their two young children, both of whom have a speech delay. Alyssa enjoys crafting, blogging, and is passionate about Diastasis rehab. She is a huge advocate of marriage and spousal communication.
John Wilder says
Nice post, could not have said it better myself
Jessica says
Excellent post… Those rules are ones my and my boyfriend live by… In 11 and a half years we have never yelled at each other or called eachother a name, etc.
Patty A says
My husband is my best friend and we communicate wonderfully. I would suggest talking, just talking about everything in general it doesn’t even have to be about feelings towards each other. I can’t stress enough how much dating is important! Definitely date your spouse it gives you both some you time and you get to communicate that way too.
Kristin Wheeler (MamaLuvsBooks) says
I wrote a similar post and completely agree! Communication and listening is key!! Also, make sure to “date” your spouse too and keep them important (even when kids come along)! Thanks for sharing this post!
Still Dating My Spouse says
Thanks Kristin!
Pamela
Renee C. says
I just love your site. It’s so great to run across a resource that has concrete ideas for how you can improve your marriage. Thanks so much!
I wanted to let you know that I’ve nominated you for the Versatile Blogger award! For details go here, just visit http://motherdaughterbookreviews.com/the-versatile-blogger-award-me-uh-huh/
Have a fabulous weekend! 🙂
Still Dating My Spouse says
Thanks Renee! We are honored….
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse says
Patty,
I must agree! Talk talk talk about any & everything!
Pamela